At Least It Isn't Raining...

25 things I don't want to think about...

2007-02-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

I decided to come in and edit this post. God has been blessing me alot this week.

1.) The laundry I desperatly need to do but won't have time for until Wednesday.
2.) What will happen at my first trip to the gyno.
3.) The fact that I forgot to take my chpt. 4 History quiz before the deadline. Due to a problem with pipeline, he's re-opened the quiz for just today.
4.) What my wedding colors are.
5.) Wedding registries (arggh! What is the point of a charger plate? anyone?)
6.) Making an appointment for my dress fitting.
7.) Haggling over adjustments and beading repair on my dress.
8.) Finding time to apply for a bible scholarship.
9.) Applying for credit for my mission's internship.
10.) The fact that our two missionary contacts have dropped off the face of the planet before we could arrange which we would be working for.
11.) What kind of wedding cake I want.
12.) What kind of music I want at the wedding.
13.) Pretty much anything at all to do with the wedding.After noting Dad's helpful suggestions I realized how lucky I am that its me and not him planning my wedding.
14.) Ways to stop clenching my teeth during nightmares so that they'll stop bleeding at night.
15.) The million and one ways my support letter was inadequate for sources that can't agree on what they want it to look like.
16.) The fact that I didn't spell his name right even though he can't spell mine.
17.) The essay test I have in History tomorrow.I aced this test.
18.) The 30 source annotated bibliography I have coming up that is to be turned in before the paper.
19.) The fact that I'm a week behind in Greek.
20.) I still haven't heard back from anyone about the RA position I applied for.
21.) When I will find time to send out a second wave of support letters.
22.) Talking to my trustee about paying the tuition for my internship.
23.) I have yet to get my Typhoid shot.
24.) I have yet to get my Visa pictures.
25.)At what point during reading the four gospels, the six required texts, skimming my 30 sources, translating and underlining my three pericopes from the greek, and creating an annotated bibliogrphy, am I supposed to write my 15 page synopsis?

*Also if you have peter pan or great value peanut butter with the stock number 2111 on the lid throw it out. It's been recalled for salmonella.

2007-02-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

yeah... I deleted it. I want to hate him. I'm just not any good at it.

The Proposal Story

2007-02-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

I've been a big procrastinator on putting this story up and today James posted this on his xanga(another form of a blog that most of out college friends use)James and I have had an up and down week with fighting and pre-marital counseling and just a bunch of silly things, but the wonderful thing about James is that he is very intentional about making things better in our relationship. He is terribly shy and he doesn't express emotions (this week though I saw his eyes well up, I know it's horrible to want to see your fiance cry but it just assures me that he's more emotional than he likes to let on.) Anyway, our pre-marital session ended with us writing a list of things the other person could do to show us that they loved us for eachother, and at the top of mine I put "say that he loves me in a public setting", he practically went white when he heard it. (It's kind of unfair in that I've never done the same for him and that I would be equally as afraid of it if he had thought to put it on his list)Today, I found this post on his xanga, that may not seem public to you, but this is read by all of his friends and some of their parents, including the ones that criticized us for dating in the first place, by posting it here he's insured everyone will hear it. Here's what he wrote:(all words in bold are my commentary)

The Story
Act I: Chapel. I get up at six so I can drive to Wal-mart and pick up roses before work.He got a job working early in the mornings so that it wouldn't cut into our time together.I get to chapel a couple minutes after 9, rushing to my seat before the checker comes, and hand Kacey the roses. She smiles. Good choice. (Note to self : roses are always a good choice) Kacey's been trying to explain to me the difference between letters and roses. I still don't quite get it, but if roses make her happy, it's roses she'll have.
Act 2: I tell her to meet me in the student center at 3pm, dressed to be outside. After my last class ends a 1, I eat a hasty lunch and set up a scavenger hunt across campus, leaving clues at all the places that we have memories together. The final destination intention : the Administration Auditorium stage. It's brilliant. It's beautiful. It's being used for a class.For the life of me I can't figure out why he would have chosen the Admin. Guys make no sense. I dejectedly leave the Auditorium and run into Susanna, one of Kacey's closest friends here. I briefly explain my dilemma and she suggests the Heritage Chapel. Sounds corny to you, but it's really a beautiful place, with a view of most of the campus. I take her advice and set up the scavenger hunt to end at the chapel. I finish sorting out some nonsense with my books, make sure the chapel is unlocked, and meet Kacey in the student center. Then I remember, I have one more clue to leave. I tell her I'll be right back, and rush outside, up two flights of stairs and leave the last clue. Then I return and hand her the first clue : the call number for a book in the library. My childishness comes out at this point and at this point only, but how could I resist? Can you believe our library has a book that's simply called "Sex"? Yeah, I'm immature, but it'll just get better from here.i mentioned to him after that this clue isn't really one you include in a proposal scavenger hunt. He muttered something about knowing he should have gone for Pride and Prejudice. There were half a dozen other locations, each relating to a memory from "us" , ending at the chapel. She thinks there's another clue somewhere inside the chapel.I did not. I knew he was going to propose the whole time because he has trouble with keeping suprises a suprise, I was just worried he would panick and decide not to propose that day after all. I'm panicking because, surprise!, there's people in there now! Where do I go!?! What do I do!?! I mumble some unbelievable excuse about skipping that clue and lets got to the cemetery. Kacey doesn't really believe me, but agrees to come anyway.
Act 3: The cemetery is kind of a special place for us, tracing back almost to the beginning of our friendship. Anytime things were getting stressful on campus or confusing or painful with her family, that's where we'd go. It's within walking distance, and really a beautiful place if you don't mind the gravestones. I've always loved cemeteries and I think this one was beginning to grow on Kacey. We have a spot, between the dead elm tree and one of the cedar trees that's our spot.Hmmm, I never knew what kind of trees they are. We'd sit there and talk, or lay on our backs and watch the clouds and it's just a wonderful place. By the time we arrive at the cemetery, I've got serious butterflies in my stomach. Even though I love Kacey and I know what she'll say, I'm still nervous. I'm only going to propose to her twice in my life, so I want it to be perfect.He proposed on our first date and I said yes but then changed my mind because it seemed a little fast.Wow you are all going to think I'm a nut case now. I'm not in the habit of doing things like that. James was just different. I lead her over to the spot and tell her to close her eyes. I'm awkward when I move, so it's better if she's not looking when I get down on one knee. I tell her to open her eyes and hold up the ring and ask her if she'll marry me. She says yes. I pull her into a hug and she tells me she loves me. I've been longing to hear those words. We stand there for a few moments, wrapped in an embrace, then head back to the car. And life hasn't been the same since.
To be honest, I never really thought I'd fall in love. I always rather fancied that would be one curse I would steer clear of, laughing as my friends got tangled in it's web. I thought I would have good friends at work, go home each night, cook an extravagant meal for myself, ?pizza rolls? and fall asleep watching whatever movie I wanted to with my dozen dogs. I would go to the theatre and operas on the weekend, writing marvelous novels that would win me acclaim around the world. I would be the best dressed, (once he learned that black and brown don't match) best looking, best-mannered man in town and I would live my life in direct defiance of this concept of love. I would be the guy that every girl would want and the guy that no girl could ever have.
Then I met Kacey and all that changed. They say humans are meant to live in community, that it's not natural for them to live alone. I never really wanted to be human or to follow the standards applied to them. But so long as I remain within this mortal coil, I shall remain, to some degree, human. Despite my general distain for emotions, I find that the complete removal of them is hardly wise. (and not actually possible, if I kick him in the groin he'll cry like any other guy)
When I met Kacey, I had no intention of falling in love. I had no intention of ever falling in love. I wasn't looking for a relationship and I didn't want a girlfriend. But sometimes (despite my inclinations), the heart is stronger than the head. And despite my fear of emotions, I let my emotions have a degree of control and I've been thankful ever since. Sometimes we have to take risks in life. Sometimes we must make a choice without knowing where it will lead. Sometimes we think we know what we need, what we want, and find out we've been terribly wrong. Kacey is everything I never knew I needed.
I only pray that all my friends shall be so blessed in love. I love you Kacey. Shalom.

Building a Team

2007-02-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

My mission team got their DiSC test results back last night. There are only three of us on a team;Jack, Mary and me. Jack and Mary ended up being complete opposites, literally, their graph if you combine thier two check marks would make a diamond. This test creates a graph and matches it to one of the 15 personality patterns. We haven't discussed the patterns yet. We were just told which letter we were and what the characteristics of that letter were. Everyone has some of all the letters but there is always one that is high. (Unless of course you are me whose check mark looks more like a straight line, either I'm well rounded or devoid of personality)You are given six adjectives to describe your personality in eith of the letters. Jack is a high "C" (Conscientiousness) and only one point away from being a high "D" Dominance. Which is funny because Jack can seem so timid but it is because C's dislike conflict and criticism and seek round about ways of trying to solve a problem. Mary had very little C in her. Mary is a very high "i" which Jack has almost none of.
"C"=
Jack: careful, restrained, high standards, analyitcal, sensitive, mature, evasive
Mary: arbitrary, rebellious,defiant,obstinate,tactless,sarcastic
Me: restrained, high standards, analyitcal, sensitive, mature, evasive, "own person"

"i"=
Jack: suspicious,pessimistic,aloof, withdrawn, self-conscious, reticent
Mary: enthusiastic, gregarious, persuasive, impulsive, emotional, self-promoting
me: convincing, observing, discriminating, reflective, factual, logical, controlled

As you can see Jack and Mary are really different but they are already friends and while some of the adjectives sound negative that is because it is the environment in which they react least to. We were supposed to be paired off in groups of which ever letterwas highest so I had to go ask Marvin (man administering the exam)where to go, he just looked at mine and raised his eyebrows, he laughed when he heard James and Mary's personalities. Essentially my personality is very "fluid" in that I can choose an area to be dominant depending on the situation. This summer for example, I will be the buffer between James and Mary. He predicts I will take on a high "S" personality which is the peacemaker type. The wierd thing is that wt pre-marital my counselor said the same thing about the Meyers-briggs and Taylor tests. That I scored near the middle and it would probably be a good thing because I could adjust to deal with other personalities better. I think James took that to mean ,"You're probably one of the few people who could ever live with an INTJ" because all the way down the elevator he kept saying ," I don't want to be someone you have to 'deal with'"

I've Done 114 out of 159 stupid/ random things.

2007-01-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

Level 1
() Smoked A Cigarette
(x) Smoked A Cigar
() Smoked Weed
() Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) Are / Have Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
() Shoplifted
() Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 5

Level 3
(x) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
() Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
() Been Arrested
() Made Out With A Stranger
() Gone Out On A Blind Date

SO FAR: 6

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
() Slept With A Fellow Student
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die
(x) Said a bad word

SO FAR: 10

Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
() Been To Paris
() Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
() Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 12

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit
(x) Been on a road trip

SO FAR: 16

Level 7
(x) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers (Who hasnt haha)
(x) Love/Like Loved/Liked Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 21

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Mudding/Offroading
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 26

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 31

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
() Felt An Earthquake
() Killed A Snake
() Been in a fire
() Been in a hurricane

SO FAR: 32

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
() Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Stole something (The candy in the desk next to me in the first grade)
(x) Been Misunderstood
(x) Been in a Tornado

SO FAR: 36

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
(x) Watched fireworks on the water

SO FAR: 40

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Ran in the rain
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs

SO FAR: 45

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Looked
(x) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced (not that anyone wanted to know that...)
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes (I love post it noting peoples cars!)

SO FAR: 49

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 54

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers (i think so, unless this has a dirty connotation)
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 59

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain
(x) Played Ping-pong

SO FAR: 64

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or Anywhere

SO FAR: 69

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
() Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
() Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 72

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge
() Swam With Dolphins
() Rode a Camel

SO FAR: 74

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/Ice Cube
(x) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top
() Kissed A Worm

SO FAR: 78

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs (didn't we do this one already??)
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
() Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently Pulled An All-Nighter
(x) Ridden a Ferriswheel

SO FAR: 82

Level 24
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
(x) Peed your pants

SO FAR: 87

Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
() Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
(x) Visited Jail
(x) Scared of the dark

SO FAR: 91

Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone (maybe a toe?)
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 96

Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Video/Got Asked To Make One (who says yes to this one?)
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 100

Level 28
(x) Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
() Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 104

Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
() Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
(x) Black-Mailed Someone (I have siblings)
(x) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 108

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
() Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR : 112

Level 32
() Been Shot At/Held At Gunpoint
() Had Sex In The Rain
() Flattened Someone's Tires
(x) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

Total: 114

I'm tagging Dad, Kara, and Dan

2007-01-29T06:35:00.000-08:00

Kara's back on the blogging scene! You'll have to excuse her rants on pre-nups, she hasn't been taking her prozac lately. (wow, I've missed the opportunity to make-fun of her in a safe place far from anywhere she could hurt me)

Summer Dreamin'

2007-01-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

I dreamt about my coming summer last night. James and I boarded a plane for Thailand but the pilot came on and said that something was wrong with it so we would have to board this tiny personal jet to take us to Thailand instead. There were 20 of us squeezing onto this little jet including an old friend from high school and her lesbian girlfriend who were apparently on our team going to Thailand. Halfway there though, while flying over Africa something went wrong on the jet and we had to make an emergency landing. I went to the cockpit to see who the pilot was and it was the friend from high school, she had passed out and the plane was about to hit the ground. The circuit board was sparking and without thinking I shoved her out of the seat and landed the plane from my memories of flying with Quentin when he was training for his pilot's license. We landed in a marsh full of hippos who started circling the plane. I had to open a hatch and climb outside to fix something in the engine and the hippos kept getting closer and closer. I didn't want to be stranded in some random marsh in Africa so I yelled at James to bring me the tape from the first aid kit and I frantically tried to seal off a tube that was leaking. James started to have an allergic reaction to the hippos but luckily he had brought the first aid kit with him and I found a syringe and a medicine to counter it. While I was filling the syringe a hippo charged the jet and nearly knocked the tape off. I set the syringe down and grabbed at the tape and caught it just in time. I grabbed the shot next and gave it to James and then finished taping the tube up. I drug james back inside and started the plane up and took off. By that time my friend from highschool had woken up and took over flying it. When we set down in Thailand, a doctor examined us all and told me that James had contracted Hepatitus from the dirty needle and that my friend now had stage four breast cancer becasue she was exposed to too much radiation from the circuit board on the plane. Both James and my friend were blaming me for it. (I am perfectly aware that most of these events could never happen.)I was really upset and decided to just go home so I flew back to the states where Candy was waiting for me at the airport (I think my mind shifted into another dream here but my mind just connected the two) She said her old church camp needed some counselors and that she had signed us up. I needed to take an internship so I agreed and went with her. The camp was up north some where and there was only one huge lodge where every one stayed at. The girls stayed int he rooms ont he left side of the common rooms and the guys on the right. I noticed my friend Jared was one of the guy counselors which was nice. There was one other girl counselor with Candy and I but we didn't know her. We arrived at camp late and went straight to bed. I woke up in the mornong to a phone ringing and realized there was a telephone booth in the next room fromt he one I was sharing with the other girl counselors. Camp was starting the next day. I went and answered the phone and it was Gabe. He was really upset becasue he and Cadny were fighting again. I told him I really couldn't talk to him about it and suggested that maybe he call Cadny. He got really mad and asked if I knew anything about the camp I was at. I said know. He told me that bad things happen there and that was why they have trouble getting counselors. i told him to stop being juvenile. He said that I would get what I deserved and hung up. Right as I set the phone back in the cradle, the arm that had been holding it burst into flame. I started screaming and beating at it. Finally I had to rollon the floor. When I got up I saw that bits of my sweater had fused to my skin. The rest had burned away. My upper arm was the only part seriously burnt But I was next to a breakdown. Still I couldn't afford to botch another internship and who would believe me that my arm had spontaneaously burst inot flame. They would just think I was playing with fire which was against the rules probably. I decided it must all be in my head somehow and that I would go shange into a clean shirt and then go have the nurse bandage it so that no one would know. When I went back into my room and opened my closet all my clothes were covered in soot. It looked like someone had lit a fire under them. As I stared I heard the phone ring in the next room again. I was really scared and slowly walked back into the next room and stared at the phone. I waited at the door till it quit ringing because there was noway I was touching it again. Immediatly after it stopped ringing I heard Candy start shrieking in our room. I ran in and she and her sheets were soaked in blood. She was covered in cuts all over her body and when I helped her out of the bed we noticed pairs of scissors all where she had been laying. She said she had tried to make herself wake up but she couldn't. I ran into the common room and got the director and showed him Candy and my arm and he rushed us to the camp nurse. As we were running out he nervously asked me if I had seen anything funny. I didn't answer. While I was waiting for the nurse to finish bandaging Candy I stared out the window and saw a little boy playing under an apple tree. There was and abandoned house on the property or at least I had thought it was abandoned, but I saw a woman come out of the house and yell at him to stop picking the unripe apples. As we left the nurses station I turned and saw the boy smile at me and intentionally pick another unripe apple. The woman at the door must have seen as well because she opened the screen door again and yelled at him to stop. He grinned at me then spun around and threw the apple as hard as he could at the woman hitting her square between the eyes and she crumpled. I gasped and the director turned around and saw where I was staring. When I looked with him I noticed the house was run-down, obviously abandoned, unlike it had appeared a few moments before. The director looked at me and said he had lived there with his wife and son until his wife died. I walked silently back into the lodge with Candy. When We reached our room though, I couldn't get the door to open. Candy's bed was shoved up against it and the springs were creaking. I looked through the crack and saw the other girl counselor's bare arm and leg. I nearly started laughing because I knew Candy was going to be mad when she saw the other girl rolling around naked on her bed when her own bed was three feet away. Candy saw me choking back laughter and asked, "what?" and shoved the door farther open. I noticed then that there was someone else naked in the bed with her and stopped laughing. Candy noticed too and slammed the door open the rest of the way enraged. She was about to start yelling when I noticed our othr roomie's head roll back her eyes were open but she was either dead or unconscious. The guy in the bed looked up and grinned and I recognized the boy from the apple tree only quite a few years older. There was something wrong with him and I noticed his eyes were solid white. I drug Candy away from the door and told her to run and that I was quitting this stupid job and woke up. I wonder what Freud would say about this one.

Taylor meets Meyers-Briggs

2007-01-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

James and I started pre-marital today which basically means a lot of temperment tests. I'm interested to see what our counselor thinks of the results. First we take the same test and fill out how we think we would react in situations then take another sheet and fill out how the other person would react in the same situations. I can tell you already that James and I have the same beliefs but are polar opposites as far as personality goes. Is that bad?James actually talks to the counselor which is good, and he's talking more with my friends. I worry that some of my extended family will be suspicious of him becasue he's so quiet but he really is a great guy just very shy.

So dad went on a date. I know because, as always, he called me 2 minutes before my alarm went off that morning. (Don't let his mr. cool demeanor in his blog fool you he was like a giddy school girl) hehehe (o.k. maybe I just like comparing dad to a giddy school girl) I'm thinking this whole dating thing could be alot of fun. I haven't called Jeremiah yet to make sure Dad was back by curfew or to at least see if he sat on the porch cleaning guns. Actually I guess dad picked her up. How come guys don't have to go through the whole "dad" problem when dating? If I ever have sons I'm going to grill them just so my daughters know I'm an equal opportunity parent.

Well I need sleep. I should probably post the engagement story sometime, huh? He proposed in the graveyard between "leslie" and "luther" and a tree.

My Ring!

2007-01-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

I will tell the story a little later. Right now my classes are a little demanding. Isn't it pretty though?

2007-01-17T20:33:00.000-08:00

I'm Engaged!!!!

9 Crimes

2007-01-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year, or maybe last year, one of our chapel speakers asked us to raise our hands if we were adults, about half the audience shakily raised there hands, most were undecided. At what point do you really know? When you're little you have this idea that adults know all the answers to things, that they are confident able individuals who calmly approach every problem as unafraid as when they checked your closet for monsters before bedtime. I'm not that,but neither are any of the adults I know.
"They" say we can never go home. It's not home anymore, but realizing that isn't enough, you realize also that you are still stuck in college for a few more years, so until you finish you have no home. You belong nowhere.This isn't necessarily bad, its something I wanted in high school, but it's still a bit eerie.

hmm... so I saved that as a draft and can't remember where I was going so that's that. I think I was headed towards college is more about growing up than education and growing up sucks, or at least the process of it does. So there's my cheery bit for the day.

James is going to ask me to marry him soon. I know because he asked Dad and he let me choose my ring but he still has to ask me. He asked me to marry him on our first date and in an attempt to call his bluff I said yes, lasted two hours before panicking and said no. Now he keeps teasing me about not asking for a while because he can't be sure I'll stick with it this time. On the bright side, the first time he asked me to marry him was in the middle of a food court, with the extra time he's taking maybe he can think of something a little more romantic.

An Overdue Apology

2007-01-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

I found out today that I had been very cruel to a person from my highschool who I mentioned briefly in my very first post here. I wrote a sentence about him jokingly that was horribly mean and I was even cruel enough to use his full name. The sentence wasn't even remotely fair about his character or personality. He was one of the few people in highschool who could get me to laugh and treated me like more than a wall hanging during a time that I was incredibly shy and few people bothered with me. I referred to him as the "lab partner from hell" when really I was too high strung back then. He made a boring class fun. I doubt he reads this anymore, but if by some fluke he runs into it again. I am truly very sorry. I was/am a jerk. I wish there was more I could do than simply delete that part from my post. I'm sorry.

Vindication

2006-12-14T23:01:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that Monday my most expensive book was stolen before I could study it for my final. I could have dealt with the loss if not for the final aspect of it. I was feeling pretty bad because I was sick so I just decided to forget about it but Jack talked to the bookstore and they said I could cross-reference the books they received with my class roster. The great thing about the book that was stolen is that it was a new edition, no one but my class had ever bought it for the class. I found two books that had been sold back to the bookstore from people not on the class roster. I was worried that it would be a dead end, but the idiot who stole my book forgot to flip through it first. I had never highlighted or written in it, but I had accidentally left my loan statement in it. So it looks like my buddy Aaron, stupid freshman that he is, just lost his football scholarship. The deans will speak with him and give him the chance to confess and repay what he took but due to the fact that he stole multiple books there will be little if any leniency for him. The wierd thing is, he doesn't need the money. The idiot should have let me take my final first.

Christmas List

2006-12-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

In no particular order:

1.) Jasmine oil
2.)The Prestige (DVD)
3.) The fourth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book (which may not get here till Jan)
4.) My wisdom teeth taken out (this is sad to actaully want this for christmas, but my wisdom teeth are making my other teeth crooked and undoing everything that I got braces for and I don't want to do the braces thing again. They've even moved them to where my retainer doesn't fit anymore.)
5.)My teeth whitened.
6.) A loop for my cartilage
7.) Funds for my mission trip (I'm still at Zero)

Movement Rule # 1: It is vital that an actor have a strong core

2006-12-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

So...my Theatre movement final is tommorrow and I'm sick. I can do the moving proponent just fine which equates into an interpretive dance (yeah go ahead laugh...I can do sit-ups and crunches for five minutes straight and twist my body into unimaginable positions, so if you can do that as well, please, by all means, laugh.)Anyway thats what he means by strong core, you have to have your abs in shape: they are key to everything in acting. Thay help you hold your lead together, they help you keep your balance while trying to walk gracefully down stairs in a skirt and stilettos without flashing anyone or lookiong at your feet (all girls should try this some time), and most importantly thay help you to project your voice without sounding strained. I lost my voice today. Even if I could talk I don't think I could get enough air to my lungs to do more than cough.. And that wonderful core of mine has only kept down 4 tablespoons of applesauce and a glass of water for the past three days. A semester of endless push-ups, crunches, sit-ups, running and dancing, all to prepare me for tommorrow, all taken out by the common cold, or is it the flu, either way, I think Dr. Miller should rethink his number one rule for acting.

A Good Person

2006-12-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

Walking back to my dorm yesterday I was contemplating a friend who has trouble believing they are a good person sometimes. I always thought they were seeking affirmation of some sort, but it occured to me that maybe they were telling the truth. I thought about it and I realized they aren't good at relationships at all, horrible in fact. Jude Law horrible. But really, I have a lot of friends who aren't that great at relationships, it seems to be a common thread so I tabled that argument for the time being. As I continued on, I noted that they weren't even really a good friend and as I have no basis for telling if they are a good family member I found myself stumped. What exactly is my criteria for a good person? The most I could say perhaps is that they aren't evil. And that isn't synonomous with good. Actually I think that is a pretty flimsy foundation for trying to be a good person; its like saying, "at least you aren't as bad as Hitler."

2006-12-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

I am required to take a missions internship over seas for my major. It actually is a wonderful thing because it allows me to take a survey trip of the country I plan to work in as well as begin my language training. I am going to Thailand. The cost is 3500 dollars and I have none of it. I need half of it by January 31. I will be there for 6 to 8 weeks. Another blessing is that Mary and James, my two team members for after graduation will be going as well. I sent out some support letters but I have heard nothing as of yet. I know the money will come, somehow. Thailand is ideal for mission work because it is an open-country in the middle of several closed-countries. Most missionaries in Thailand right now do mission work to the surrounding countries and not so much to the Thai people. Thailand is a safe place for a missionary's family to be while he goes into Bhurma or Laos. The majority of Thai's are Theravada Buddhists. If by chance you are interested in contributing in some way just let me know and I will gladly get information to you. (It is tax deductable) Prayers would be wonderful too.

Holidays

2006-11-28T12:37:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite times of the year! First you have Fall and Halloween, and then there is Thanksgiving and then there is Christmas and New Years. It's just one party after the other. Harding hung up lights over break. In the daylight yesterday James and I thought they looked tacky but at night they lit up the whole quad (front lawn in these blue lights. They are hanging down from all the trees and covering all the shrubs and bushes. You feel like you are in a giant firework explosion of blue. It is so bright we were able to play spades at 11 last night outside on the front lawn. I'll try to post some pictures later.
This is a picture from a hayride/ corn maze my Outreach America group went to to hang out together. It was a blast. They had tunnels made out of hay as well and this big mountain of hay. We were playing king of the mountain in this picture and I won. I threw down five guys or so before istarted to get worried they might be getting agitated and rolling down the hay and then I abdicated.
The other picture is from my living world religions tour. We were in a Sikh temple in Chicago eating Indian food on the floor. It was a really neat trip and we learned alot.
I've been thinking some about heartache lately. Usually I think it happens unexpectedly. I mean who would invite it. And yet the older I get the more I think people do. They know the decisions they are making are stupid when it comes to the consequences and yet they are willing to pay that price anyway. I'm thinking about that alot because I have the same sort of choice to make coming up. Actually not for a year and a half, but that is the deadline. I can make a choice now, or wait and hope it fixes itself but if it hasn't by then, then I have to cut ties and move on. I don't really have to move on. But that's the smart thing to do and I still have enough clarity of mind to limit the amount of heartache I have to take. I can take a year and a half, not a lifetime. Humans are dumb things.

Oh, Inverted World

2006-11-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

So it's 4:30 and I'm still in my flannel penguin p.j.'s. Though, to my credit I did shower today. I have decided to lock myself in my suite until I finish both my working and sermon outline. I had to completely rework my working outline because it didn't work.

I have decided it is good God made me a girl despite my wishes otherwise in former years because if I were a guy I would have been a preaching major. And I can't preach. It takes me more than a month to write a sermon and about two minutes to give it.

In other news, when the walmart employ cautioned," Make sure it doesn't get infected!" what she really meant was , "while your piercing isn't bleeding now, wait for about 5 or 6 weeks till you remove the stud to find a blood and puss filled mountain sprouting off your ear!" but I guess it's not as professional to yell that across Walmart.

Two Wrongs don't make a Right

2006-10-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

I had a slight migraine yesterday. By slight I mean that light and noise and movement and smell all irritated me but not to the point of throwing up or being unbearable. Still I spent most of it with James avoiding people and crowds and trying to find quiet dark places to hang out. (I know that probably sounds suspicious to concerned fathers out there, however the two times we were alone, one was in the library working on a project I had to finish for tommorow, and the other was our scheduled bible study time.) James just read all of it to me which was kind of nice. It reminded me of bedtime stories only...more violent. (we're in the old testament right now)
James said he almost likes it better when I'm sick because I'm more honest. (A.K.A I'm in such a foul mood that tact is thrown out of the window and I complain more than I usually do)James had mentioned that Joey wanted to talk, (yeah, I still haven't spoken to him, even after his apology note)(hey it was a vague note, and only one sentence long)He thinks all of this was a big misunderstanding. Allow me to get out the Dictionary of all things Joey:

A normal dictionary would define it as:
1.A failure to understand correctly, or 2. A quarrel or disagreement

But It cannot be definition "1" because there is only one way to understand the phrase, "I'm sick of us, you and me"

Nor can it be "2" because in order to have a quarrel or disagreement the other party is required to disagree. I did not disagree. I agreed and said, "agreed. So am I." and left.,

No, In Joey-speak misunderstanding means something completely different. I know because it's the same phrase he always uses in cases like these. What cases? Let me just define it.

mis*un*der*stand*ing n.1.Refusal of one to admit when one is wrong [Lat.stubbornius a#*]

Guys are dumb.

The Break-up

2006-10-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

So I blew up at Joey yesterday. (Joey, James' room-mate and (ex?)-best friend, he asked me out but I told himno and while he was getting over me I met James. Yeah bad things happened.)

Joey likes this new girl Anna. I was highly supportive of this. But ever since he started liking her he has completely ignored me. At first I figured, "Hey, whatever, he's head over heels right now, after a little while when things with them cool down some he'll come around."

But then he started being rude and obnoxious during the few times we did hang out together. E.g.: While eating lunch with him, James, and Anna, he completely interrupts Anna's and my conversation to blurt out, "Hey I want my shirt back". (He GAVE me a shirt of his last semester when I was cold, I didn't really want to keep it but he insisted.) I said,"Joey I offered to give that thing back a million times last semester and you insisted I keep it."
"Well it's mine I want it back."
"No Joey, let me explain something, it's not yours because you GAVE it to me, but whatever, you can have your stupid shirt back, I never wanted it in the first place."

Well during all this junk with him and Anna, my friend Brandon tells James and I that he likes Anna and that she likes him and he might date her. (I know, I should really write soap operas)We asked how he knew and he said she had called and left a message on his answering machine saying that she loved him. (Really, who does that?)I asked him what he said back and he said nothing and then started whining about how she had started hanging out with Joey alot. I called him an idiot because of course she was going to move on if he didn't respond to that message. So he left and went and told her that he liked her and wanted to date her. She was really happy about that. Before doing that he suggested that James tell Joey what was going on since all four of us are friends. I said no, James and I were staying out of this one, but James really wanted to and since Brandon was cool with it I figured why not? It's better that he knows.

So James goes to tell Joey but before he can Joey pops off with,"So I told Anna I liked her and she was really happy about it." James tells him and Joey blows him off and doesn't believe him.

So the next day I try to mention it to him and he gets mad. Why does this feel so much like a break-up. I never dated the guy! Why is he getting upset, its not like we enjoy telling him this stuff, it's just that Anna is a player and she's going to screw up friendships if these to idiots don't realize what's going on.

Joey pulls this whole victim bit which only serves to make me more mad. When I ask him why he's mad he says that he's sick of us (this sounds more and more like we dated)So I get really mad and agree and tell him not to bother showing up to some events we had scheduled because I was done with our stupid friendship.

So that's where we are. I keep waiting to feel bad but it hasn't come yet, if anything I feel more angry. Stupid Boy!

Kara's Birthday Is Tommorow

2006-10-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

A message from mi hermana:
Kacey your little sister has cancer. (Of the skin) Just thought I should tell you on Facebook.muhahaha. No but really....does dad's health insurance cover dermatology?

hahaha, look how grown up your little girl is dad...

(ya, I get a sick pleasure out of helping dad stay up at nights worrying...)

Thursday

2006-09-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

Thursday is the wierdest day of the week. It's not a church day like Sunday or Wednesday. Or traditionally horrible like Mondays. Or a Sitcom/t.v. day like Tuesdays. Or a TGIF day. It's just there. It's Thursday. The one day I forget every week and therefore I forget to prepare for it.

I failed my first test for this semester. I forgot to study. It was Thursday. Nothing is supposed to happen on Thursdays. It's a rule. But today we had a test I didn't study for in Religious speaking for Women. It wasn't even a scan-tron so I couldn't BS my way through it. It was short essay/listing. The only question I could find on it from her actual study guide other then preaching methods was a listing question. There were four parts to it and they all started with C. I could only remember two. Instead what I could remember and was unable to get out of my head was my elementary school's citizenship mantra. We shouted it everyday during P.E. : LEADERSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, SPORTSMANSHIP, AND ...COOPERATION!!!!. We would throw a fist in the air with every word and then cheer wildly at the end. I'm silently cursing Mrs. Klosterman right now.

2006-09-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

My friends and I celebrated the Jewish New Year together today. We are all in living World Religions together (missions class) It was alot of fun. We made kabobs and challah but we didn't have a horn to blow. Jack brought me a rose. It was a really good day.

My Friend

2006-09-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

I told Lucas we weren't friends anymore. Then I had to turn down an offer to hang out. What a crappy day. I wanted to go badly, but then several friends reminded me to stick with this. It won't always hurt so bad. Even my roomie who usually doesn't commit to things when I'm talking to her agreed that even if I went things would stay the same. He asked me once when I was upset if I really thought his love was that transient. At the time I felt foolish for feeling that way, but now I have every doubt.
I met a guy friend for coffee that I never get to talk to much and he told me I should end the friendship as well, but he asked what would I do if he got upset? I told him he wouldn't be and the sad part is I actually believe that. Then he asked how I thought he would feel. Honestly? I think angry and relieved. I don't know what happened. I think he used to really care about me alot. But thinking that only makes me want to cry.

More New Zealand Photos

2006-09-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

New Zealand Pics

2006-09-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

Koru

2006-08-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

My accountability group commented tonight that I seem the happiest I've been since the beginning of freshman year. I hadn't really thought about it but that's probably true. Things are finally getting on track. I am getting close to 6 hours of sleep and I have time to eat. I haven't missed chapel or any of my classes nor have I fallen behind on any of my homework. I'm looking for a job, there is no drama, and while there is alot to get done, I'm not to worried about it. It will fall into place.
Things with Jack are going really well. I've never met a guy quite like him. He is spiritually sound, never gets jealous and is dependable. After about two months (if I actually make it that far) in any relationship I start to scare easily for no good reason, but Jack doesn't seem to be phased. There are no rules or real expectations. I told him about some guys over the summer who attend Harding, one of whom is his friend, who were hitting on me, and he treats them no differently, and he isn't jealous. He's incredibly secure in this relationship. He trusts me to handle things. It's not that he's apathetic, he offers to help if I want it, he just understands that I'd rather do these things myself. Still, everyonce in a while I start to doubt that anyone can really be like that and go out of my way to test him. He's been really patient with me. I told him one night that I didn't want to trust him and he just said that was o.k. That I didn't have to tell him anything I didn't want to and that he wasn't going anywhere. Another time after he told me that he cared about me I told him I didn't believe him, and just as unphased, he just said that was fine, we had time and he'd prove it to me everyday till I did. When I asked what he wanted from me in this relationship he only asked for three things:
1.) loyalty
2.) that I inconvenience him as much as possible
3.) and that instead of comparing him to past boyfriends, that I would compare him to my ideal guy becasue I deserve better than the other guys I've dated, and better than him.
I've been really blessed.
The only thing that puts a damper on any of this is Lucas. He said we'd hang out again, that things would get better. But they haven't. I raninto him with some mutual friends the other day. I gave the other two hugs but not him. I was friendly, I just didn't feel like being very close to him. The thing is: He's never missed me enough to actually do something about it, and I'm tired of missing him. I gave him a year to get it together. I can't keep this going on my own anymore. I'll always be here if he needs something, I'm just not going to beg him for something he can't give anymore.

Strangers

2006-08-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

"Nickel Creek Somebody More Like You lyrics"

I didn't hear you say you're sorry
The fault must be mine
I wish you all the best of luck
At finding somebody more like you

You said you'd love me always, truly
I must have changed
Cause you don't need me like you used to
I hope you find somebody more like you

I hope you finally find someone
Someone that you trust
And give them everything
I hope you meet someone your height
So you can see eye-to-eye
With someone as small as you

I keep running into Chris everywhere. Last night I apologized for how bitter things have gone down. Naturally he gave his usual snide "it's all your fault and I'm the victim" response, careful to get in as many digs as possible. I let him know that I thought that it was a good idea to pretend we never knew eachother and to not talk. As awkward as it will be to pretend that, he still reads me too well and talking to him would only entice him to play more mind games with me. Still would it kill him to act like an adult and take some responsibility sometimes?

...

2006-08-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

Note to self:I don't handle long distance well. So I waited and realized that I was completely wrong about a lot of things. No shootings will be required. :P

2006-08-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

I've come to a point where I've realized I'm somewhere I don't want to be. I'm not talking about camp per se, I love it here, but as far as my life is concerned, I had felt like everything was falling perfectly in place, but it isn't right. I mean I got exactly what I wanted only to realize it's not really what I want. But I'm so tangled up in everything now and I keep hitting brick walls. I could completely sever
everything in these areas but it will turn me into a mess and a lot others as well.But I can't stay here either.
I'm ready to go back to school
bleh

2006-07-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have decided I can never have kids because eventually they will be 9 and 10 year olds and I will kill them. I started babysitting when I was 8. What lunatic lets an 8 year old watch their baby because after this week, never, never...%*$#@#$%$%@^%.
So i hit an old lady in the head with a frisbee yesterday during swim period. She was sitting on a floaty right next to the floating dock(where all the little kids dive into the water) she got a little huffy about it and i wanted to smack her with that dumb noodle. Whta idiot decides to sit right next to the floating dock and whine when she gets hurt, she's lucky a kid din't land on her. OH! And People should learn TO NOT BREASTFEED IN PUBLIC! Otherwise I going to tell all your little kids whatever I darn well please, to explain it, and you better not come whining to me about it later!

ARRGGHHHH

2006-06-24T03:37:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. She got an offensive and idiotic email from her ex who was mad at her because he had been opening her email account and reading all her emails. He found one that said she wished he would stop proposing while he had girlfriends(or stop proposing period) and that she was so sick of his crap that she wished he'd go away completely and leave her alone. Said ex got offended by this email and had a tantrum. The girl changed her password on her email account and ignored the stupid email refusing to reply. The end.
Stupid story.
Stupid Ex!

2006-05-25T03:59:00.000-07:00

For He draws up the drops of water;
they distill his mist in rain,
which the skies pour down
and drop on mankind abundantly.
Can anyone understand the spreading of the clouds,
the thunderings of his pavilion?
Behold, he scatters his lightning about him
and covers the roots of the sea.
For by these he judges peoples;
He gives food in abundance.
He covers his hands with the lightning
and commands it to strike the mark.
Its crashing declares his presence;
the cattle also declare that he rises.
At this also my heart trembles
and leaps out of its place.

~Elihu on God

2006-05-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'm here in New Zealand and it is amazing. Freezing but amazing. I'm pretty sure I'll never feel warm again. Thankyou so much everyone who helped me get here. The people here are wonderful and I love working with them. My host family lives right between the Harbor and the Pacific Ocean. The ocean is right outside our front window. Our host mom heat up our rooms and turns on our electric blankets at night then comes in to tuck us in. It's crazy here.
I had NZ hot dogs today. We hada sausage sizzle. They put butter on a slice of bread then cook a sausage then put it and grilled peppers and onions on it. It's actually really good.
I miss you all
cheerio

2006-05-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

Hey dad, in case youforget: visitor's parking lot right accross from the cafeteria. 782 GGL
37-42-45

2006-05-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

So we're finally dating. We went to Little Rock on Wednesday after our last final. I had given Jack a confetti egg at Easter because for some reason Northeners haven't heard of them. He refused to break it since I painted it, and instead on Wednesday hid a promise ring inside of it and gave it back to me. He's a really sweet guy.

The downside is that Harding requires you to leave with-in 24 hours of your last final. Jack left this morning and I can see him again in three months. I can talk to him again in six weeks. We aren't aloud to use internet in New Zealand, and because we are moving around so much he won't be able to write. It's going to be a long summer.

2006-05-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

It's been an up and down sort of week. I had been certain something was going to happen this coming Wednesday. I was a little worried when Jack told Joey what he was planning on doing. Joey and Jack are best friends and room-mates. They practically grew up together and Jack was always at Joey's house. The catch in all this is that Joey liked me before James did. I explained that I didn't feel the same for him and later on ended up getting to know Jack. Needless to say it's caused some problems. Joey seems opposed to Jack and I dating at every turn and always has new reasons why Jack shouldn't ask me out. Jack hasn't listened to them. As of yet none of them have been valid. This isn't to say that Joey is doing this because he likes me/liked me, I think it's more because he's afraid, despite all our attempts to negate it of losing his best friend. Joey's parents came down last weekend and were going to talk to Jack but decided to wait till this summer. They've only heard Joey's side of the story. This is all more than a little irritating. Why are so many people butting in? And Joey is wondering why his and my relationship seems to be suffering.

On top of that, there is Hannah. Joey's big sister, who is like a big sister to Jack. She talked to him earlier this week. Joey hit James with an argument claiming that Jack's friendships were suffering because he was spending so much time with me. Which Jack didn't buy, because he and I are always hanging out in the student center with 10 or so other people. JAck has actually grown more friendships in Joey's absence. The truth would be that Jack isn't spending as much time with Joey, because Joey will only see things his way and goes off when Jack doesn't agree with him. But Hannah is much more clever. She convinced him that asking me out with everything I am trying to deal with in my life right now would be selfish. It would just be adding a long-distance relationship to my stresses. Hannah and Joey aren't malicious, just meddlesome, they honestly want what they seem to think is best for everyone I think. So out of the blue Jack tells me that he's changed his mind about Wednesday but wants to assure me his feelings for me haven't changed.

I was livid. I've had enough of Hannah and Joey and their whole family. JAck didn't even say what Hannah had said to make him change his mind only that he'd explain it at lunch the next day. I was even more irritated at being left in the dark. I stopped talking for the rest of the night and the next morning. Then I talked to Jack about it before class and after it all, all he could say was he wasn't sure why he changed his mind, because it really didn't make much sense. I went to class and left him to think about it, he went back to his room to pray. At lunch he apologized and explained that he only wanted to do things right and wanted what was best for me first and foremost. (He's pretty cool). So I guess Wednesday is back on. I'm trying to be patient with Hannah and Joey. No matter what Jack does it's going to make somebody angry. I don't like Hannah pretending like she knows me, and I'm fed up with their seemingly family trait of being right all the time no matter what. If you don't comply then they judge. arrgh!! Don't they have their own lives? I'm not running away to get married to him. I just want to date him.

2006-05-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

This is Jack! This is the first decent picture I've found of him because he is always making faces at the camera. He is, in my very biased opinion, the sweetest guy on campus. He's going to ask me out on Wednesday I think, I'm not sure, he's planning some sort of suprise and won't tell me about any of it. I'm afraid I've turned into one of those sappy girls who can gush for hours about the guys she likes, the type of girl who I've always made fun of. This is a really new and horribly detestable state. Yet, I can console myself with the fact that he was very cynical, "girls are a stupid waste of time sort" and even went so far as to make sure he got braces before college so as to deter any girls. Hah, and I've ruined him!

The Dating Game.

2006-04-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

I like this guy Jack. He likes me back. convenient, and it that rhymes kind of. So you meet a guy, find out you like each other, then the natural next step would be...going on a date with his big brother...
Yet again the possibility of a normal relationship eludes me.
It wasn;t supposed to be a date. I told him I'd go to his function just as friends. He said he was fine with it. But later when he was talking to two mutual friends they asked him who he was taking to the function and he said, "Kacey". Rob said,"whoa! how'd you get a date with Kacey?"(I think people mistake my shyness for being somewhat stuckup) to which Jack's brother replied,"I just asked" He didn't correct it at all. So now my these guys think 1.) I went on a date with Jack's brother, and 2.) I date. I'm not opposed to dating per se, I just haven't felt much like it this year. And now thanks to the fact that this conversation was held in front of Rob and his big mouthed friend...
Oh and what about Jack you wonder? It's his own fault, if he had told his brother about us liking eachother from the start his brother might never have asked me.

2006-04-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not sorry anymore. I didn't do anything wrong. Now I'm just mad.

2006-04-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

I could feel it go down

bittersweet i could taste in my mouth

silver lining the clouds

and i

i wish that i could work it out

everything i know is wrong

everything i do it just comes undone

and everything is torn apart

oh and thats the hardest part

thats the hardest part

Have you ever tried with all your might to do what's best in a situation, what would inflict the least amount of pain, only to watch it blow up in your face?If it were only me, I might have done it differently, but there are so many other factors, and now I may have destroyed the very thing I was trying so hard to save. I've come so close thousands of times to just giving it all away, I hate how things have been thses past two weeks in certain situations. Yet I know that I did the best I could with what I knew. Somehow that doesn't offer much comfort right now.

An Immovable Feast

2006-04-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

I had a relapse with my bulimia this past week. I'm not sure I can pinpoint a reason why. I'm very blessed though to have some really good friends here at school who are great encouragers. I had been really closeto a year without throwing up and my fear had been that I didn't know that I wanted to stop now that I had started again. I wouldn't want to do it forever just until I felt better again.But I can't do that. I can't pray when I do this. And while I feel so much better afterwards, there is still a part of me that acknowledges that I'm lying to myself.

I went to a recovery group meeting this friday. I thought it might help. In a way it did but probably not the way they intended. My group was for E.D.'s, chemical addictions and abuse victems. I had seen a woman accros the corridor when I walked in and had thought for a moment how nice it would be to be that thin and then not have to worry about it. She was in my group. When I saw her up close I felt very differently. Her skin was very thin and tight and wrinkled. On her arms was the light fuzz that grows on an anorexic when she's been below weight for too long, three inches long. The hair on her head was falling out. I was overwhelmed by how much pain there was in that one room. I tried to imagine how all those women must have looked at one time. How beautiful they must have been, how beautiful they might become if they weren't hurting so badly.

I thought that attending group would energixe me and get me pumped up and ready to beat my sickness again. It had the opposite effect. I left there feeling more tired than I have in years. Not sleepy, weary. I grew tired of myself, but in a different time this way. All the things I was sick of about myself weren't lies this time. I'm sick of this disorder. I'm tired of hurting. And everypart of me seems to be screaming for some redemption because I don't want to be like this anymore. I feel alone in this alot. I feel inadequate for the task before me. And I'm probably right but I'm not going to be afraid of myself anymore. God can do amazing things, and I am never really alone.

2006-03-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

Insomnia

The moon in the bureau mirror
looks out a million miles
(and perhaps with pride, at herself,
but she never, never smiles)
far and away beyond sleep, or
perhaps she's a daytime sleeper.

By the Universe deserted,
she'd tell it to go to hell,
and she'd find a body of water,
or a mirror, on which to dwell.
So wrap up care in a cobweb
and drop it down the well

into that world inverted
where left is always right,
where the shadows are really the body,
where we stay awake all night,
where the heavens are shallow as the sea
is now deep, and you love me.

Elizabeth Bishop

Have you ever tried to avoid someone in the hopes that maybe they might miss you enough to set aside time to be with you? What if all you are doing is teaching them to grow accustomed to your absense? What if they don't miss you at all?

I had a wonderful time at the beach this spring break. We got back to my house Friday because I had hoped to spend some time with some people from back there. One of them I used to talk to alot, but he has to work alot so we don't talk much anymore. Candy kept saying i think you should call him you might not be back in town till thanksgiving, but when I did try, I was right, he was working.

I got my report card in. Four C's and a D, the wierd part is I was a little glad because my mom had asked how school was going earlier and I told her I was failing all my classes and had to go see the dean about being on Chapel probation, but all she did was sigh and launch off into her own problems. When I got my report card in Candy asked if I was going to throw it away before my mom saw it. I told her no, I was going to post it on the fridge and see how long it took my mom to give a damn. Maybe she isn't using the fridge these days. Maybe she just doesn't care. My phone is dead, my charger missing, my transmission is bad, and my brakelines are leaking.

These things irritate me, but over all I can't really complain. I'm glad to be back at school, and I know I am very blessed.

ROAD TRIP!!!

2006-03-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

Candy: you look like her, she was a Jew.
me: so now I'm a Jew?
Candy: well, you have dark hair and dark eyes
me: oh yes that constitutes a Jew
Candy: Jesus was a Jew. I'm only saying you look like Jesus
Me:...
Candy: Look! He's Jewish! He has a beard!

I'm going on a road trip with the best roomie ever!!!

2006-03-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

Hey Everybody, thanks for the concern as of late. School is great now that my greek midterm is over. Yeah it didnt go so well but thats life. I haven't gotten my car registration yet dad but thanks for that.

As of wednesday I have all 2700 dollars in for my New Zealand mission trip. Thankyou so much everyone for your prayers and contributions. Ironically the last 20 dollars I lacked was given to me by Chris. No comment there.

I go in this coming week for bloodwork. I finally gave in. I hate needles. But I can't afford to miss any more class and I am constantly fatigued, i can barely keep my eyes open lately no matter how much sleep I get. Plus the doctor already promised me that if I was sent back for throwing up blood he would do blood work whether I wanted it or not. (and you wonder why doctors scare me)

On a happier note, the eating disorder support group thing that my friend and I have been praying about just got jump started today. Please pray that it is blessed. I guess we should work on a better name huh?

I love you all. Buon Giorno

2006-02-28T22:25:00.000-08:00

So here's a brief catch-up. That poem was for a friend of mine from school who isn't sure he believes girls and guys can maintain the same friendship level once one of them starts dating someone else.

I have become better friends with a guy named Brandon, he is going on my spring break road trip with my roomie and I. However, no MExico. Sadness. I think we will head to SAn Antonio and the coast.

Lucas and I's friendship is better and will continue to do so. He is an amazing friend/guy/person. ANd no matter what is going on with us good or bad, wether or not we are getting along, though we usually do, I know he will always be there for me.

Oh goodness so much to say. It is spring here though, I have midterms, I have guy problems, and all I want to be is outside doing nothing. Its so pretty

Black and White

2006-02-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.I
t's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.

It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to trust when you are so indecisive.

So yeah friend. Go ahead. Pull away. Stand on your ethics. Cloak yourself with your "logic". But be prepared to stand by yourself, coward!, cause you can't leave something that's already gone. It's always so black and white with you. Play it safe. Play it smart. Then play alone.

Let me love you

2006-02-21T21:03:00.000-08:00

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I've read this passage a hundreds of times. I could probably quote it from memory. Yet it confounds me how, having read it so often, I failed to notice the power of this prayer until now. (Ephesians 3)

I had the opportunity to spend some time with an amazing friend of mine this weekend. (I really appreciate my friendships with all of you, most especially because we can talk about God and his word, it always saddened me how my best friend from back home and I could talk about everything but God, thats such a vital element of any Christian that I often felt there was a giant part of me that she would never acknowledge, anyway sorry about that rabbit trail) I was talking o my friend about how so many people I knew refused the love given freely to them. It really frustrates me when someone I love refuses to let me love them. Especially if it is because they feel they have wronged me and don't deserve it. I don't care what they've done, whether or not they have been a good friend, I just want to be allowed to love them. Nothing they could do could possibly hurt or frustrate me worse than their continuous refusal of my love. It occured to me though, how very hypocritical I am. I do this to Jesus all the time. I sin. I feel unworthy. And I am too ashamed to go before Him. I am stupid enough to try to "avoid" Him for a while. So I push Him away. Why is it so hard to accept his love as unconditional? Is it pride? Do I not want to accept it simply because I didn't earn it? Or is it a lack of faith? How well do I believe my sins were covered at the cross? Do I really believe God can love someone like me?

I love this prayer because it's asking God to help the Ephesians understand God's love for them. For them to know Christ's love so well that you are completely filled with it. Can you imagine what that is like. To be completely filled with Jesus's love. It makes me think of the old milk (or is it oreo?) commercials where the little kids are trying to pour milk into a glass and it completely gushes over the rim and all down the steps of the porch they are standing on. My friend described it as being so completely filled with His love that all our hurts, anger, and sorrow is pushed out. Can you imagine a church filled with people like that, completely filled to the fullest measure with Jesus's love? Sorry for the novel, but this concept excites me more than you know.

Riverside Park

2006-02-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

I got the chance to go to riverside park this weekend with some friends. It was a lot of fun, an infinitley better experience than last weekend for sure. With the exception that I went to see Lucas beforehand and found out he has mono. He is really sick and I miss not seeing him. Mono is probably one of the worst things that could happen to him right now. PLease pray that he gets better soon.
I really love being outside. I stole these pics from Jared (the guy in the red jacket going down the slide.)
Joey is in the middle of the see saw. I love those things.
James is Joey's room mate and a really neat guy. He's going to make movies some day which you all should go see cause he's brilliant. We were all jumping of the swings.I look like i am trying to hurt some one. lol
It was a really fun night. I have some amazing friends.

2006-02-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

He bought a dog. A miniature doxen. He says he's going to take care of this one. Thats what he says about his new girlfriend too. While our old dog is back in Texasbeing taken care of by the parents of his ex-best friend. Wonder if he even remembers Max's name. He says it's name is Romeo like his old dog. Do you see the irony in that? He says Romeo sleeps in bed with him. Max used to as well. He says it will be different this time. He says...

...a lot of crap

2006-02-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

Its been a really good weekend. I was a bit stressed on friday but my friend Joey and I went for a walk and watched the sunset and it was really nice. I love being outside. Joey is the guy in the picture with the deer. i thought you'd like that one dad.lol. Joey always finds wierd ways to cheer me up, like having raisin wars or trying to publically humiliate me.

I also got a chance to hang out with Lucas some. We don't get to hang out as much as we used to so it was really nice. I've been blessed with alot of really amazing friends. Candy just dropped by. She set herself on fire in lab. I thought science teachers were intelligent but apparently not if they gave her fire.

I'm going to Oklahoma this weekend with some friends. i'm really excited about getting away from campus for a while. We are going to the lake, only its too cold to ski or swim and that makes me a little sad. Well I guess there is nothing really going on up here. But that is usually a good thing
I love you all.

2006-02-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

My friends Joey and James wrote me a story that I get portions of if I go to chapel for the day. I have really cool friends.

I finally figured out how to add multiple pictures. (yeah yeah I know its not complicated and whatnot but I'm proud.) This is Hannah and Lisa. Hannah is Joey's big sis. They are a lot of fun to hang around.

This picture is of my friend Shelby. He is an amazing guy,very honest and I know I can always trust him. He's not afraid to tell me the truth even if I won't like it. I harp on that alot I've noticed.

I'll save some of the other photos for later. I was talking to Shelby the other day about an ex boyfriend of mine and he told me he felt like I was still a bit bitter so he tended to take everything I said wth a grain of salt. I really appreciated that he called my attention to that. I've been wanting everything black and white lately because so much of my life feels unstable. I also struggle alot with this "guard you heart" issue. I had thought that my biggest mistake had been being too trusting, but i'm starting to find that in an attempt to prevent hurting like that again, I am beginning to overcompensate. Shelby reminded me that it's better to err in trusting too much than trusting too little. Inevitably when you trust people you will be let down, but you have to decide before hand that it is worth it. I've been thinking about all the amazing friends I have in my life lately and they were well worth the risk of trusting. If letting people like that in my life is my reward for trusting, than I don't regret anything that happens.

2006-02-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

Well school has been going much better. I went to my first ONE meeting and DM steering comittee meetings this week. ONE unites all the missions fellowships on campus and I'm really excited about what it has planned for this coming year. The Domestic Missions steering comitee I have decided is not far from a mafia. They are slowly planning to infiltrate the entire school and are very intentional about it. They have mapped out with colleges and departments they are going to start with. But in all seriousness I'm very excited to see all that it is accomplishing and while I am reluctant to run my committee (which was going to be called the Engage committee but was changed to Encounter since Harding is already so marraige oriented)I am excited to have an oppurtunity to learn to lead. Really all I have to do is delegate. That doesn't sound so hard, or am I being naive?

I went to my first post-marital counseling session this week. I must've looked horrible since I didn't even know Patrick's last name. hehe I'll just let you think a bit on that one dad.

It seems the more the past few years have progressed the more girl friends I know of mine that have been raped. The majority of them never notify anyone, and the ones who did said it amounted to nothing. Searcy has had a real problem with it recently. Rape is one of the scariest crimes to me. One of my friends showed me this today though and it really interested me. Y'all need to check this out.

http://www.medgadget.com/archives/2005/09/the_rape_trap.html

January 24

2006-01-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today I will dare to be myself, to be honest-I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel or want what I do not want.

"This above all:to thine ownself be true."
~William Shakespeare

2006-01-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

My mind is going everywhere tonight. I am just going to type whatever comes into my head. This has been atruly horrible day/week/semester thus far. Only most of the time I don't want to upset people by letting them know how upset I am. I dont want to think about it myself. I don't know how to deal with things. I just kind of muddle through blindly, hoping the whole time that things will get better but having no tangible reason to believe that. I just have to believe it.Because I don't know what I would do if I don't. PLus I hate being unhappy. I'm no good to anyone like that. BUt the truth is right now, i'm more than a little unhappy. I'm numb. I haven't had a good night's sleep in almost a week and a half. I've eaten a total of five complete meals,or at least half of whats on my plate. I have no apetite. I take one or two bites and I feel sick. ANd I don't want to throw up so I stop. And I'm hungry all the time now. And I'm scared because I enjoy the hunger pains. Because I can't feel very much how upset I am, but when my body aches I come close to it. My body is in pain for me. That's twisted I know. I know all of this is messed up. I can see how its starting to affect me. I broke down crying on one of my guy friends last night, and then another today. I hate crying. It feels so week. Usually if I cry I cry silently. But today I was very close to all out sobbing. Nothing seems to comfort me lately. i have so many amazing friends but the two I broke down crying on have been the most helpful for two reasons.The first one reminded me that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, God is in control and HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME. And the second because instead of saying, " it's ok" or "its going to be ok" he said, "IT'S OK TO CRY" and I realized thats my problem. I still want to appear strong and unmoved. I can't just allow myself to feel the way I really feel. So it eats away at me.I want to go some where and just scream. I never scream. I never yell. I'm generally a very quiet person. I'mnot o.k.right now. I don't know that things will be ok later. All I want to be right now is sad. Just for right now. Tell me things will be ok tomorrow. maybe I'll believe you then. Things usually are ok in the long run simply because life goes on whether you want it to or not. But tonight, I'mnot going to pretend that everything's o.k.

On My Own

2006-01-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

Now I know I'm on my own
These conversations all gone cold
I wish that I told you when I knew
I knew

Now you know what's on my mind
and you see through this disguise
with the beauty pulled away
I hide my face,pretend that its ok

If I only knew that I was wrong
perhaps we'd be ok
baby I'll be fine

Now you know I'm on my own
my own

It's been a crazy weekend and the more it went into it, the more sure I was that I am going about some things the wrong way. I have trouble disliking people who are cruel to me, so when it seems that I have to stop liking a person who I have no reason to not like, I'm finding it more difficult than I'd hoped.And as much as I distract myself, this new expansion in my life can't successfully masquerade as truth to me. But these things take time right? Can you just choose not to like some one? Or is the best you can hope for is to keep pressing them far enough back in your mind until you've forgotten how they got there in the first place? And yet, none of this seems right to me.

2006-01-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

Yeah, it's going to be one of those semesters.

Chivalry is not Dead!

2006-01-19T17:07:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my friend Joey last night about how it is hard to find gentlemen any more when you are dating. Specifically gentlemen in the fact that they clearly state their intentions before attempting to date you.

This was brought on my a particularly sticky situation I had fallen into a few minutes before.This guy who I have continously told for mor than a semester now that I don't want to date keeps asking me on un-dates (date-like activities without the title). Last night he asked if I would go watch a movie with him on his laptop this weekend. Here's the problem, you can't turn a guy down until you now what it is you are turning him down on. I panicked and asked Candy what I had going on this weekend and she said a group of people were going to LIttle rock to go skating. So I had this brilliant plan. Unfortunatley my brilliant plans historically turn into disasters rather quickly. SInce I had been making excuses not to see guy 1 for months I invited him to this seemingly safe GROUP activity. Safe that is until I quit talking to guy 1 and told Candy my brilliant plan. Candy just kinda stared at me and asked me if I remembered this guy I met playing cards with last weekend. Apparently he is going skating too and since I had JOKINGLY told Candy I thought I had a crush on him, (JOKINGLY being the key word here). Candy had taken it upon herself to set us up.He's a nice guy, he is. I don't even know his last name or his major, or anything about him really but I'm pretty sure he won't appreciate the presence of guy 1.

So I've been thinking all day of how to fix this and I hadn't came up with anything. I told my predicament to my friend Shelby at dinner and he laughed and said,"Well I could come and tell everyone how I'm going to spend every second with you and make it three!" He was joking of course. And he laughed again after he said it. I didn't. Which made us both laugh. So I asked him if he would like to go ice skating.he said if he had the money for it he would. I love Shelby! Now I have an ally! IS this a bad idea? I think it is good but am I missing something? Gosh, it's amazing that when you least want to date everyone else is suddenly interested. I'm really glad for my guy friends like Shelby who are honestly just that, guy friends.

2006-01-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Hunger

2006-01-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

A collage
whirlwind of witnesses
an exposition
parading your fickleness

like that night on the bridge
pouring words at my feet
enticing me to believe
stirring my trust

acknowledge me
my arm extended
while I hide my face

Don't look!
upon second thought
I'd rather starve
than feast on your inconstancy

Pictures on a Wall

2006-01-15T06:12:00.000-08:00

I spent so much of my life defining myself as strong, as brave, weathering out storms in my life that have fed my nightmares for years. But I am afraid of everything. Shouldn't going through those things have made me strong? Instead I feel paralyzed with indecision because the consequences are always so hefty that making the wrong choice could be catastrophic in my eyes. I don't know what I like or dislike. I like what the "right people" tell me I should. But I don't really.

I climbed onto the cafeteria roof a few nights ago. You had to start by climbing up onto the roof of the Security office, then because of construction you have about 5 to 7 levels of scaffolding to climb before walking to the end of it and jumping accross a gap to the cafeteria roof. I noticed a ladder screwed onto the side of the scaffolding about 2 levels up so me and two other girls who were climbing decided to go up that. It wasn't secured very well. About halfway up you can feel it move and the last level it sways with you as you climb.I started up that ladder twice before I finally went. The other two had gone on ahead and I suddenly realized if I didn't suck it up I was going to be left behind and I would regret it. I think I may have vertigo. Not really. But I always have a strong desire to lean too far or to let go in high places, not to mention that the metal was freezing and I was in flip flops. But I think making it to the top and onto the roof was the happiest I've been so far this semester.

I'm tired of being afraid to try. I'm tired of being afraid of failing. I want to play my flute again, for me this time. I spent break learning different styles of dance. Even break dancing some with Shad. I think I suck at it. I don't really care. I want to paint a thousand horible paintings and not consider it a waste. Painting for me was not always about the subject anyway. When I paint I slip into some space in my mind where I am completely and utterly at peace. I want to major in art and missions. yeah I want to spend 80 thousand dollars on two seemingly worthless majors. Or so everyone seems to think. But so what? Better that than waking up 40 years from now realizing I've only half-lived my life.

2006-01-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Sorry about the last post, i'm fine, I was just having a bad night. Classes are going to be pretty good this semester I believe. A lot of work though so I don't think I'll be able to post for a while. But I'll definatly check on how yall are doing from time to time. Love you guys and miss you all.

2006-01-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown [4x]

-Death Cab for Cutie

I have a tendency to live my life vicariously. It can be anything. I am embarrassed with characters in the books I read when they mess up. My family used to watch me watch movies because I tended to mirror the charaters emotions without realizing it. Maybe its just empathy. Whatever it is I feel it so strongly sometimes. I've had a good break over all, but some of the experiences and ideas and emotions have come at me so fast that I just want to lock down. I seemed to have only made some situations worse because my stupid face betrays every thought and emotion before I can slow my head down enough to mask them. I used to be so much better at it. But I get tired of pretending, It has to be one or the other with me. I either hide myself comlpetely or in juxteposition, expose myself. Neither are good singularly within themselves. And it frustrates me to no end. I want to withdraw from relationshipd and delete all these stupid blog/xanga/livejournal things. They are such a cheap way to learn about a person anyway. I can read about Jesus all day long in the bible but what does it even matter if I have no relationship with him? None of this is really making any sense anymore.

2005-12-23T22:13:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd come back and edit this a bit now that I'm not as riled up. I talked to my roomie a little bit ago about the pressure to date/be married at Harding. Then I ran into my "friend" Wes today who reminded me that my biological clock is ticking. WHat the heck?! I'm 19 years old! What is the rush? FYI guys, never use the phrase "biological clock" in any conversation with a woman. I don't want to be married for a long time. (I can almost hear dad letting out a sigh of relief).
I'm in no hurry. Why do people act like it's the end of the world to be female, 20, and unmarried? Conversations like this are the reason i try to keep my meetings with Wes to a bare minimum. Call me crazy but i'm pretty sure I have at least a good 25 years before I have to start worrying about biological clocks. He also suggesed a sex change for me so that I can legitimatly be a missionary. Don't even get me started on that! A sex change? So if I get a penis I will suddenly be able to share Jesus with others? Does that part of the anatomy have some evangelical talents I am unaware of? I'm going now before I break Kara's keyboard.

2005-12-20T22:33:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd join in on this game.

Here goes:If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment here on my blog with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished leaving your comment, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.I think this will be fun for all; like a bowl of Skittles and M&M's mixed; a color and a flavor for everyone! "I thought it looked like fun. Anyone up for some fake memories?

2005-12-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

So I'm putting off studying for my church planting final. Apparently I pulled a ligament in my index finger at the wheezer/geezer game. Since the ligament is still attached on the right side one half of my finger is bent too far to the right while the bottom half is bent too far to the left. It's a little gross and it hurts to move still. For instance I have trouble opening doors or turning the key in the ignition now because my finger is suprisingly flexible and just twists in funny directions when I try. So I look kinda funny trying. I usually have to switch over to my left hand, have you ever tried turning your car on with your left hand? It's akward. On the bright side of things, I can now lay my hand down flat on a surface and twist the top half of my finger almost completely around the other way, I had unusually flexible fingers before this whole ligament thing, and they used to freak Candy out. But yesterday during church I laid my hand on my bible twisted the top half of my finger around and waved at her with it. She went white. It was hilarious. Well maybe I should study now.

"Amie"

2005-12-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

Nothing unusual, nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here

Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your window
Did you see it disappear?

Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned'
Cause you feel it when they take it away

Something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle
And you're not a saint
Just another soldier
On the road to nowhere

Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me

The journey is never quite what you expect. How very exhausting it is to have to convince yourself that the end might still be what you hoped.

2005-12-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

How wierd it is to be at war with a country and not ever really notice it. It's so easy to forget sometimes especially when you don't really know anyone who is fighting. I've hated this war from the very start. I will refrain from getting into that, my dad's heard it enough, he can fill you all in.

My friend Gabe got called in to Basic training a semester early because the government wants him in Iraq by this summer. He found out yesterday. He leaves tommorow. He doesn't really want to go. My roomie Candy told him he got what he deserved, it was his choice, and she won't feel a bit sorry for him. She won't talk to him. She won't even say goodbye. Gabe has been calling all day in tears. She just hangs up or hands the phone to me. Gabe is crazy about Candy, and Candy is the same way for him though she'd rather burn alive than admit it. If he does get ahold of her to beg her to come say goodbye to him she reminds him she has a test she must study for. But you can't think Candy too harsh, she just really loves him and she hates goodbyes. To her this is him deserting her. And as much as she pretends not to care and scolds me for feeling sad about this, she is going nuts herself. She just sits on her bed and stares at her book reading the same page over and over. And when I came back from my classes today she was very composed and pretended to be very lost in her studies, but there was a mountain of tissues by her and her face was all red and puffy from crying. Candy hardly ever cries.

Gabe won't be coming back, at least if he does we will have graduated by then. He was going to drive me to dallas this christmas, now I will have to ride with Trevor, my only other offer being Chris. The letter who upon seeing me upset over the news from Gabe said only, "Eh, thats life." I just stared at him till he begged off by mumbling some excuse or another.

So the count is:
1.)Ben
2.)Josh
3.)John
4.)Jeremy
and now
5.)Gabe

Five good friends in Iraq or soon to be. I wonder what the odds are that they will make it back o.k. Thankyou Bush.

And the Laziness Continues

2005-12-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

What is your favorite...?

Gum: Bleh! Nasty, vile, substance.
Restaurant: Anne Thai Kitchen (best Thai food in the world!)
Drink: Root beer but only if its in the glass bottle
Season: Fall
Type of weather: Rainy, especially if its warm and you can play in it
Emotion: joy
Thing to do on a half day: Be outside doing anything practically
Late-night activity: Dance
Sport: Basketball
City: Montreal
Store: Barnes and Noble

When was the last time you...?

Cried: maybe a week ago on the phone?
Played a sport: The Wheezer/Geezer Bowl on Thanksgiving Day or does frisbee count?
Laughed: Five minutes ago after our suite mate discovered we stashed our dirty dishes in Candy's closet till after "Goodhouse keeping"checks were done.
Hugged someone: Probably Lucas this afternoon
Kissed someone: Bet, you'd like to know huh Dad?
Felt depressed: Sunday when I found out my club president had intentionally decieved me in an attempt to humilate or punish me
Felt elated: Sunday
Felt overworked: Sunday lol, it was kinda a roller coaster of a day
Faked sick: hmm does it count if you aren't disguising the fact that you're healthy? If not then I'd say while I was dating chris last year.
Lied: Yesterday when I told a teacher I didn't have my homework done so I couldn't put it on the board when really it was the next problem I hadn't done, I wasn't for sure which it was when I'd said it, but I still feel badly about it.

What was the last...?

Word you said: Bye
Thing you ate: pizza
Song you listened to: I say a little prayer for you
Thing you drank: Water with lemon
Movie you saw: Sky High
Movie you rented: Madagascar! A new favorite
Concert you attended: ummm Lifehouse I think?...

Who was the last person you...

Hugged: Lucas
Cried over: Lucas
Kissed: haven't we had some of these already?
Danced with: Shad
Shared a secret with: My friend Jason
Had a sleep over with: My family at Thanksgiving.
Went to a movie with: Talasha, Gabe, and Candy
Saw: My dorm mom
Were angry with: My suite mate
Couldn’t take your eyes off of: Lucas

Have you ever...

Danced in the rain: yes
Kissed someone: yes
Done drugs: umm no not really
Drank alcohol: yes, but I've never been drunk, so really whats the point? hehe just joking dad
Partied 'til the sun came up: umm How are we defining party?
Had a movie marathon: yes, 70's show marathon and a Family guy marathon
Gone too far on a dare: yes, enough said
Spun until you were immensely dizzy: Oh yeah!

Breaking Up

2005-12-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above.

We've sung "Come Thou Fount" in chapel, church, etc alot up here lately in the past month. I love this song. This last verse particularly because it is talking about me. Every time I sing it I am filled with dread at how very prone I am to leaving God. Perhaps that is a good thing. I hope the thought of losing my faith and love of God always terrifies me.

It's not that I flat our defy him and turn away. I just start slipping so gradually that I don't seem to notice it, and that is scary. In some ways I know I am still very naive. I am only just beginning to understand how someone can love someone enough to promise their life to them, only to fall out of love years down the road. Actually I still don't really understand it at all. It would be more acurate to say I am beginning to recognize it as a more prevalent reality, but I imagine it must happen very slowly while at least one of the two parties isn't paying attention. Maybe thats why we are warned so aften in the bible to stay alert.

And God is so easy to love. He's perfect. He will never abandon us, swindle us, or abuse us.And he loves us unconditionally. For a very long time I never understood what was meant by the verse that says we love God because he first loved us. But I have this friend, Wes. He's a mutual friend of quentin and me. But he wasn't always my friend. We fought like crazy. We still do. We are still getting used to being friends. Quentin asked me last week why I had hated Wes so much in high school and I explained that it was because Wes hated me so much. Quentin laughed and said that that was only because I hated him so much. And that made alot of sense. It wasn't until one of us made the effort to love the other one that we became friends. We have no other reason for loving each other than that really. I mean we made each other miserable alot in high school. But it works somehow. If I was asked why I liked him I couldn't really give any other reason than that.

Oh and just a thought on unconditional love, if you were not promised heaven, would you bother with God?

People Watching

2005-11-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

I was walking into the bible building today when a guy opened the door fo me. Usually I wouldn't notice him much more than that, except his cell phone went off. Even that in itself isn't unusual, but what I really loved about this guy is that he never answered his phone. It was a hiphop song, and he just let it ring, and ring, and ring... When he walked by the missions lounge 15 minutes later it was still playing. This guy walks around with his own theme music, and something about that really makes me happy. He kinda bops his head as he walks with the beat, its like something from a bad teen movie. I think it would be alot of fun if everyone walked around to their own theme music for a day.

People who do funny things like that I have a sick fascination for. I know another guy who took an astronomy class this semester for the sole purpose of impressing girls with his knowledge. He's failing it.

I took my roomie to get her hair cut over break. Gabe and I were sitting on the benches u front waiting for her with a hispnaic gentleman. He asked Gabe if he was Irish. Then he asked me if I was English or Scottish, (I'm both). he hairdresserr nearest him asked him if that was a hobby of his and he said no, it was a gift, he could tell the future. (How my future told him what ethnicity I am I still haven't figured out but it made sense to him) He told the hair dresser ,"For example, you are going to marry a bald proffesor and end up working here still after your divorce." I couldn't help it, I started cracking up. The hair dresser just glared at him. I really wanted to ask the man what he thought my future was but I didn't want to offend him with my skepticism. He turned to Gabe and I next anyway. He said he sensed some very close bond between us. Ironically, gabe and I were both wearing our brown student impact shirts that day. The man said we were either brother and sister or romantically involved. I started cracking up again and Gabe looked really nervously at Candy as though she might buy into what the old man was saying. I told the guy we were neither, just friends. The old man snorted and said," Just friends... deny it all you want missy but you know you want him, I know, I see these things." I really started to lose it then. Gabe started muttering things under his breathe, he does that alot, and I turned to him and said,"Well I wasn't going to say anything just yet but, Gabe..." Gabe went solid red, right then Candy walked up and we left. Gabe changed shirts the minute we got home. I really like people like that who aren't afraid of others people opinions and who believe in themselves. Plus they make like a lot less boring.

Home Sick?

2005-11-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a really great day. I'm really tired now cause I didn't get much sleep last night due to a term paper, but up until about 3 hours ago I was doing pretty good on energy. I started to get a bit sad though ( i really should just go to bed but I hate going to bed so early, it's just the principle of it), I miss my friends from back home. I wish I could have seen them more. One in particular. My friend Shad was supposed to be up here with me this week. But our plans fell apart at the last minute, literally, He was standing outside the car about to climb in when the girl who was covering for him for work decided she didn't want to. Talk about dissapointment. I'd been trying not to think about it so much today, but it was getting really hard.

And then he signed on to AIM which is wierd cause he doesn't have the internet anymore. He told me he'd been thinking of me then called later to sing me a song before bed. (Wierd tradition of ours) But it's crazy how God blesses me with little things like that, it really cheered me up alot. Shad's a good friend and he always seems to know when I'm a little down and even better he always knows how to make me laugh. Here's an old picture of him back in his "skater" phase. He never smiles in his pictures because his grandma told him he looks dorky so he always does these silly male model expressions.

Catching Up

2005-11-27T20:07:00.000-08:00

I got to hang out with my friend Quentin last night. I've missed him terribly. He and I both brought some friends from school and then met up with some old high drumline buddies to go bowling. It was a big group and a lot of fun but frustrating in that all Quentin and I really wanted to do was go somewhere and talk and catch up. All we ended up with was huddling together and whispering every once and a while, which slows conversation somewhat.

Quentin was a life saver for me in highschool. We had a pretty bumpy start. He was my drumline captain and I hated him. He made me do push ups when I showed up late for practice and I made a point of telling him how conceited he was. Everyday was a constant battle between us. Then on one of our drumline trips he came put his pillow in my lap and laid down. I spent 30 minutes debating whether I should just shove him one the floor, but everyone was watching in shock and I chickened out. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. Later after the competition he sat back down by me and said life sucks. And just started pouring his heart out to me. To this day I'm not sure why he did it, we talked for the next4 hours straight and have been best friends ever since. He's not afraid to hurt my feelings, he always tells me the truth and I love that about him. I know that even if I haven't spoken with him in a while that nothing will be different with us when we do finally talk again.

When I saw him last night he asked if I felt wierd with him and I said no. He said he felt like I was different. I asked if if it was a good different or a bad one. He said bad. (see, completely honest.)I asked what it was and he said he didn't know. We sat there in silence for a bit and then i said,"fake?" And he said,"Yeah, exactly." I said," I know, i've felt fake alot lately and I'm not sure whats wrong with me, I just don't feel like dealing with people anymore, used to I wanted to understand them, now I just want them to leave me alone." He said cryss started being fake around him before they stopped being friends. I told him i wasn't checking out on him, and I reminded him that he changed for a while in college. He said yeah, but I was going through alot of stuff back then. I asked him to be patient cause I was going through alot of stuff right now. I told him I'd come back in a little bit. He smiled and gave me a hug. He's a good friend. I know he'll be there waiting for me when I snap out of this.

It was nice to have someone else notice it. I either have alot of superficial friendships or I'm very good at being something i'm not. Used to, if I wasn't happy then I didn't smile. That isn't to say I'm unhappy now. As a whole, I've been happy alot lately, but when I'm alone I just feel hollow. And when I really start to think, well its not good.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-26T14:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess its actually past thanksgiving, but its been a truly wonderful break. I was a little irritable coming down because of this stupid christian home project I had to do with my parents but it wasn't so bad and thanksgiving is the best holiday of the year in my family. I brought two friends home with me and it was alot of fun. Mostly because they thought my town was small. But we have thanks giving in Lohn,TX. All you will find out there are cotton fields and cows. My whole extended family meets there in my great grandma's tiny ancient house. It still uses a gas stove and gas space heaters to warm the place. In the summer there is a swamp cooler but my Mema says that thats a real treat because it wasn't there when she grew up. You have to be careful too cause there are spiders all over that place. I only saw one brown recluse this year though. My friends refused to take a shower there the three days we were there because there were spiders all over the ceiling in the shower. Funny how I never saw that as unusual till they said something. It's always just been like that. We had a massive dinner, a benefit of sharing your holiday with so many friends and family and then went accross the road to the school for the annual wheezer/geezer football game. The school has a six man football team so the football field is nothing fancy, what most schools would consider a practice field but its perfect for us.

May I take this time to say that once again the geezers took unfair advantage of us and stole some of our players. So despite the fact that they won 7-2, it should be noted that 3/5 of their team were wheezers/traitors.

It was a great thanksgiving. I love that town and I have the most amazing family. My dad showed me and my friends the old church. We just walked right in because no one locks anything in that town. Candy even left her purse on the top of Gabe's car for a couple of hours because you don't have to worry about anyone stealing it. the vast majority of the town reside in the graveyard anyway. Oh yeah and the Longhorns beat A&M!

I've had a chance to see Tasha, Quentin, Shad,Wes even, and so many other amazing people. It's been a great reminder of how much I truly do have to be thankful for. I hope everyone's thanksgiving has been great as well. Love you guys

Revenge of the Fuzzy Maggots

2005-11-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

My roomie and I stayed a day later at school cause she's the R.A. for our hall and has to wait for everyone to leave. Consequently we were left to take out the trash, do the dishes, and clean the fridge out because our suite mates have already left. I will never eat again. I can not adequetly describe the pungeant odors, bright splashes of color, and array of textures we experienced tonight. We are taking a break right now to settle our stomachs. As of yet its not really helping.
We had 15 containers to open and check. We've been dreading this all semester. Everyone kept hoping someone else might do it. Candy and I lost. We started out with noodles, candy covered her face with her shirt while I opened the lid. Imagine very fuzzy tarantula legs, only not quite as black. Candy screamed and started wretching. Quite literally shrieked. I nearly dropped the container. We would've been done for. Then we moved on to the rice. I hate rice. I now have another reason. If not for the horrid smell it might not have been so bad, but it looked alot like purple and yellow fuzzy maggots. Candy hates maggots, worms, etc... Her eyes watered and the dry heaves started up again. Purple and yellow are complementary colors aren't they? We moved on to macaroni, what once might have been beans, cheese sauce, onion, and alfredo. i opened and cleaned the containers while Candy febreezed everything. Then we got to the sprouts. My first week of school here I bought ingredients for vegetarian sandwhiches. Well Candy likes to organize. She moved my sprouts to the very back of the fruit drawer, someone covered the container with a sack of apples. I had no idea they were still in existance. I nearly cried when I lifted the sack of apples. We trashed the container. You couldn't pay me enough to open it. We went through 13 of the fifteen containers and I have a pretty strong stomach so I was doing o.k. Until the 14. Gravy. It had broken down. Gravy has a lot of milk in it. Have I mentioned my fear of milk? I will only drink it if:

1.) I bought it or am very close to the person who did. ( I need to know when and where it was bought.)
2.) It has to be 2 %. Skim is too thin, and whole is so thick it makes me want to gag.
3.) It has to be 4 days before the sell by date. You can never be too careful with this stuff.
4.) It can't be at the top of the carton. Those little white crusty things fall from the cap into the top portion of milk.
5.) It can't be remotely close to lukewarm.
6.)It can't be from the bottom of the carton. That means its been around for a while and those white crusty things will have settled at the bottom.
7.) It can't be from someone else's house. I wouldn't have had a chance to monitor it.

So we got to the gravy. Which had soured. I nearly threw up right there, and I can't throw up right now or my esophogus might start bleeding again. I closed my eyes and held my breath and now I am back safely in my room. There is a good possibility I will have nightmares about it. Can't wait to get out of here.

Happy 60th Birthday Tri-Kappa

2005-11-14T20:24:00.000-08:00

So... I guess I was right in worrying that this whole Alyssa mess might tear the club to shreds. Tri-Kappa voted to dis-band tonight after a 2/3 majority vote. There wasn't much of a choice, the older members pretty much had decided it for us. hey are trying to have the whole club jump to omega lambda chi to help save them before they die (because we are so good at that). They didn't feel that they should allow us "other" members to have a chance to save it since we never officially pledged. There is just to much disunity in the club (gee I wonder where thats coming from.) It occured to me that the "ghost" pledge class of 05 will never be accepted as real members. Think I'll go burn my jersey now.

2005-11-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
5
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

I've been reading alot of Yeats lately. Actually i've been reading alot on anything I can think of. took a break from reading Senior year of high school and never quite got back into it. I've read a few books here and there but not like I used to. I know that must sound wierd "taking a break from reading" but trust me it was for my betterment. I tend to retreat too far into myself.

I took a long walk last night with my friend Brandon. It was raining and I really like the rain. It was nice to listen to him talk. I realized that I am torn alot of times between trying to figure out whats wrong with me and completely ignoring that to focus on other people. Which one is right? I think I already know. I want to feel healthy again. I want to feel whole and rested. And I want to be able to serve people. To make my friends feel healthy and whole and loved. But how do I do that when I don't know how to be that myself? I think that my challenge is to try and make my friends feel that way when I feel so broken down. Maybe they see God loving them more clearly through my brokeness. I really love the people here at Harding. They are wonderful and I have so many amazing friends. I can see God in them and talk to them about him. I always felt like there was that one barrier between my best friend back home and me. We could talk about anything but God. I have always wanted the people I love to love each other, I want them to see how wonderful they all are, but maybe thats the idealist in me, because its always proven itself much more difficult in practice. I'm going nowhere with this. Time to go.

Rest!

2005-11-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been great! I really needed the rest. And last night God answered one of my prayers that i've been praying for a long time and I'm really excited about it.
I was feeling really discouraged this past week, but things are getting better and I can't wait for the break. Tri-Kappa will be just fine, classes will turn out o.k Well I've got a ton of homework. Can't wait to see you guys!

2005-11-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

So Pledge week is finally over. Thats probably been the best part of this week. I've had enough club bonding/unity to last me a life time. I hate unresolved anything. I've spent the past three days with this one thing eating at me. I suck at communicating I think. I've felt taken for granted and worthless lately, for no good reason perhaps, who knows? But I didn't communicate that well if at all. I made a friend rather upset with me. Upset enough that they left the conversation without saying bye, goodnight, anything. So I thought I would give them some space until they actually wanted to talk to me again. Only its been three days, and I've begun to realize that maybe I really am worth very little to them. And that sucks because I've missed them and they haven't even noticed I haven't been around. Or else they have and don't care. Does it really matter which ever one it is?
On a lighter note, I have made some amazing new friends, got to know some old ones better, and yeah my club has been rough this week, we ended up with only one pledge, Alyssa. We lost the other four, and one member is going inactive, 2 are graduating, and 2 more are going inactive next year. There are rumors all over campus about Tri-Kappa disbanding. There will only be ten of us members next semester. During "rough" night tonight I wondered if fighting for Alyssa's bid was really the best thing to do. It nearly killed our club. BUt I think we are stronger for it, more unified, we made a rough decision and lost people for it, but so what? We weeded out the faint-hearted, the quitters. They were just dead weight anyway, and now we have 10 very dedicated, very weary, but very close girls. And you need a good foundation like that to build on. Alyssa showed me her pledge book tonight; she had to turn it in. The last question was who is your role model here on campus. It reminded me that there are always people watching you whether you realize it or not. That you have to do the right thing even if that means destroying something you love. It means as christians we have a lot of responsibility. I hate that. It terrifies me because I know who I am, who I want to be. And I know I can never live up to other people's expectations. But I serve an amazing God, and the power of his grace and love never disapoints.

Hell Week

2005-11-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to understand why public schools call their pledge week this. I know that its not as bad here at a christian school, but I'm not even pledging and this has been one of the crappiest weeks ever.
I missed gilmore girls. I didn't even care that I did. I forgot it was even on. Thats how crazy everything's been. I am down to 20 meals on my meal plan so I figure that leaves me five meals a week for the next four school weeks. In the meantime I have plenty of crackers and green beans to tide me over. I lost a check for 200 dollars which means no groceries and no passport. I'm stressed out with my club. I was harsh with one of my best friends and fellow tri-kappa members for trying to quit. I felt so bad I came back to my dorm sobbing, went straight to my closet shut the door and continued crying for a while. my amazing roomie opened the closet door once to give me some hot chocolate and then shut it again. ( luckily I waited up for my friend and apologized and everything's good now) One of my good friends from home was supposed to come up her last week, but he didn't. Didn't even call. I've been going crazy trying to figure out what was wrong because he should have been here. I kept calling but his cell had been disconnected and he would never let that happen. He finally called yesterday and told me he just got out of jail, he'd been there for a week and a half cause he couldn't pay bail. I wish more than anything I could have been there for him. He lost his job because he missed work while he was in jail. How does someone go missing for a week and a half and have no one notice. WHat kind of friends does he have? What kind of room mates. And what a pathetic family. He didn't even bother calling them cause he didn't know that they wouldnt just leave him there. The charges were finally dropped cause he hadn't actually done anything. I was the first person he called. I should've been there. He's never once complained outright about me going so far away. I was selfish to do so. HE's a very good friend and I hate not being there when he needed me. I went to the doctor for this nasty infection on my skin. I never understood the term festering until this week. He thinks it is in the same family as poison ivy but he's never seen this before. Its never good when your doctor pokes the bubbly rubbery excuse for skin on your leg, shudders, and then quickly turns to wash his hands. It's spreading too. I found it on my other leg this morning. And it hurts. All up and down my leg. He weighed me and I've lost 4 pounds since last monday, so I got the whole "you need to avoid stress" lecture. He's probably right but what can I do? Drop out of college? So I want to put the weight back on, but then I remember, I only have 20 meals left. I haven't been at this weight since my freshmen year of high school. The doctor prescribed a steroid cream and didn't charge me for the visit. But I don't have money for the prescription so I've been using hydrocortisone. But its still spreading! I got mad at one of my friends for something really stupid last night, it didn't get resolved and I didn't sleep. I haven't slept much this week really. So I came back to my room for a quick nap after chapel and slept through three of my classes, then missed my fourth because I realized I hadn't registered for classes for the spring yet. Since I was late registering for classes I couldn't get into the ones I needed, so I had to go get an advisor.
And finally things started looking up. I have a great advisor now, and a good schedule for the spring. My mom sent me money today so I can go get that prescription filled. And my club voted last night to give Alyssa her bid back. We lost three pledges because of it, and one member (the one who was mad at her for dating the beau). But we did the right thing. And I'm glad that, for the most part, that mess is over. My friend from home called me tonight and said his work let him have his job back. He's coming up here with me after thanksgiving break, which will be amazing. I miss him so much. I can't wait for thanksgiving break. I miss my family and I want to make sure that Dad is taking care of himself and not working all the time. (hint hint) I love you guys. Hope to see some of you very soon.

The Countdown

2005-11-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

I talked to Alyssa last night. I just thought that maybe somebody ought to at least tell her she didn't ge a bid. When I saw her the first thing she asked was if I'd brought her her bid. I explained to her what happened, and asked her if she still wanted to be in our club. For some crazy reason she still really does. She said she wanted to fight this if there was still a chance. I'm a real coward I think, part of me really wanted to cop out and explain how fighting this might destroy the entire club, but then I figured, so what?, what am I fighting so hard to save?there shouldn't be a club that acts like that. I'd rather have moral standards. So I told her that i'd help her, and that Rach and Chole would too. Its great having friends that you know will back you up without you having to ask. The minute I told them I was going to contest it with her they both jumped in.
We decided to talk to out president first before going over her head. Which I knew would be difficult because our president is intimidated by rach and nicole and I for some reason. Nicole I can kinda understand, she intimidates me sometimes lol. But we knew she'd get really defensive.
We asked the VP to stay as well so that she wouldn't feel so much like we were ganging up on her. The minute Charlotte asks what it is we want however, Rach and Nicole both point at me. I should point out that of the three of us I am the most quiet, and I am terrified of girls. Especially these girls. The entire day had just been one big reminder of why I have so many more guy friends than girlfriends. Nicole and Rach never shut-up. Until now apparently. The Pres kept justifying what she had done and we kept going in circles so finally I told her I didn't really care why she handled things the way she did, it was wrong, and I would not be a part of a club that conducted themselves like that. Then Rach pipes up with how all three of us were considering turning in our jerseys. Suddenly the Pres and VP were a lot more understanding. Actually I've gained alot more more respect for our VP. They both pologized for how things were handled, promised to tak to the dean and Alyssa and try to sort things out. Hopefully Alyssa will recieve her bid tonight, or else she will be given a bid from another club and may jump to ours later in the spring, or worst case scenario, she still won't be allowed in to any because it was too late. OUr VP asked if they did try to rectify this would we be willing to stay in the club. I didn't answer, despite my new-found respect for those two, I don't really trust them quite yet. I wanted to see how much they really would try to fix this. So she said she'd give us their decision tonight and we will give them our decision tonight. I only have 5 more hours and I still don't know how I will react to their decision. They are trying to fix it, but they handles things so badly in the first place,what if its too late to fix? Rach is coming over later to talk about it. This may be the shortest club experience ever.

Kill the Pig! Smash his Head!...

2005-11-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

Today was club bid-day. All the girls who recieved bids from our club gathered under the bell tower today to recieve their pledge books and to get further instructions about pledge week. I've been really excited about this all week. We had some amazing pledges. I had liked that my club was too small to really refuse anyone, or so I thought. All these girls try so hard to gain acceptance and I hate hearing about clubs who turn the girls away for stupid reasons.
Rach and I noticed very quickly that the pledge we chose for our "little sister" was not present. We thought she was late or lost or something, but when we started asking around our president shushed us and told us she would talk to us in a minute. Rach and I looked over her shoulder at the bid list and noticed that Alyssa's name was no longer on it. Which was really odd because the whole club voted her in. Our president pulled us aside and told us that Alyssa hadn't recieved a bid from our club. She said that it had been brought to her attention over the last week that "Alyssa doesn't uphold certain Tri-Kappa standards" and her "conduct is affecting friendships in our club". What does that mean?! She said she had three members complain to her about this pledge, one of whom had spoken to the dean about it. She said she had talked with the social club director and decided it would be best to withdraw Alyssa's bid. Rach had seen Alyssa 30 minutes before and Alyssa had no idea that she wasn't getting into the club. Alyssa was our very best pledge, she came to every event and wanted so desperatly to be in our club. So what then, was this conduct that went against "tri-kappa's standards?" Alyssa went on a date with on of the club beaux. Our president rooms with three of our club members, one of whom has a major crush on this beau. She in turn complained that Alyssa was the type of girl who sleeps around. She got two other girls to back her up, can you guess who they were? why her suite mates of course. No one appraoched Alyssa about this, no one had any proof, and our beau is not being punished for what they are accusing Alyssa of ( personally I dont believe anything happened). Alyssa still doesn't know what happened. OUr president told us to tell her we knew nothing when we see her next (apparently Tri-Kappa standards don't include lying). This isn't right. I wanted to chop my jersey up into little pieces. How can they do that to a pledge without talking with our club about it first? They can't overturn decisions like that! Even now one third of our club doesn't know what happened and I'm so angry I could scream. My club is so full of pettiness and deceit and I hate it! We soiled that girls reputation without a shred of proof. I feel like one of those boys in Lord of the Flies who has to do what Jack says because he's so afraid of the group turning on him instead. And as for our present pledges, I keep thinking of how Kara was never allowed to go hunting with Dad and I after she yelled at a dear to run away one time, that's how I feel now, I just want to scream at all our pledges to run away as fast as they can. THey don't want to be a part of us. Alyssa's the lucky one really, now maybe she has a chance to join a club more worthy of her.
But I'm not going to sit by an just watch this either. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I don't want to split the club or break it up, but I don't want to be a part of a club with "standards" like this.

I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper...

2005-11-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

Ok well, so that was a short Vacation. I do plan on trying to stay of the comp at least in my room as much as possible during the week. I need to spend more time with my suite and plus there is this "male suitor" (as my accountability group would say) who is always online and seems to have redoubled his efforts as of late. The wierd thing is, despite the fact that we have a class together he never speaks to me in real life. He has however started working his way down the seats on our row towards me. Now there is only Josh between him and I, and I fully intend to keep it that way.
I've explained to him that I don't want to date, yet for some reason he either doesn't believe me, or sees it as a debatable issue. No matter how many times I tell him he always seems to chalk it up to this idea that I just don't trust guys. (and yet he's proving himself competly trustworthy by pretending to be my friend just to try to date me...) He keeps sending me these small sections of poetry, which always end up to be songs becasue I've googled the last three. I have somewhat a sick admiration for that, kinda like how people stare at car wrecks, I'm impressed at his akward attempts at passing it off as his own words. What goes through his head when he does that? But it is quickly over shadowed by irritation at all of this in general.
I ate dinner with hannah and Lucas tonight. Lucas got up and went over to talk to some friends for like 15 miutes so it was just hannah and I at the table. This usually isn't a problem. But a little while back Hannah told me that she liked Lucas, and I wouldn't tell her that I did. So she keeps pressing it. Not out right, she just keeps leading conversations that way and so I keep leading it away. That is the last subject I care to discuss with her. To make matters even more akward, she has recently started being very vocal about how she and Lucas always hang out and how her friends call him "her Lucas" cause they ar always together. And then she looks at me, and I can't decide if she is trying to make me jealous or get some reaction. I just smile at her. I really don't care. Lucas is a great friend to her, I knew this before she started being so vocal about it. I just hate mind games. I don't like my friendship with her being so akward. So I desperatly started looking around the cafeteria for someone I knew who might come over to say hi, or for Lucas, or an elephant to fall out of the sky. Unfortunatly none of those seemed to be nearby,so I was left to create a diversion myself. I decided to spill my dr. pepper on myself, but then she started in with another, "Lucas and I were practically twins seperated at birth" rants, so I decided to spill it on her "accidentally" instead. She finished her rant, and I was contemplating the most natural way to knock the glass over when Lucas came back to the table, I don't think I've ever felt more relieved to see him.
Oh and you want irony? My "suitor" is Hannah's ex-boyfriend.

Blog Vacation

2005-11-03T18:18:00.000-08:00

I can't really think of much to write here anymore. I think I will take a break for a while.

Suite-mate frustrations

2005-11-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

1.) Just cause it's in the fridge does not mean you can take and eat it. (this includes my half-eaten take-out)
2.) If you must eat my food, put up what's left of it back where you got it. (And you complain about the ant problem?)
3.) If you must eat all of my food, would it kill you to replace some of it so that I can have something to eat? (I don't have a job, I don't know when I'll be able to get groceries again.)
4.) If you use a dish, or cook something, wash you own bloody dishes! Stop leaving them there for the rest of us. (Yet another reason you should shut-up about the ant problem)
5.) If you won't wash them, at least rinse them or put water in them so the rest of us don't spend forever scrubbing them. (Did your mother teach you nothing?)
6.) Stop leaving your paints out, they get all over the furniture and carpet. (Pick up after yourself!)
7.) Stop putting your brushes and easel in the kitchen sink for us to wash! (How can you treat your brushes so poorly anyway?)
8.) If you are going to wash your brushes and easel, do it in your own bathroom sink and not in mine and Candy's.
9.) If you must wash it in ours then rinse the sink out. (what happened to common sense)
10.) Stop using my hair brush.
11.) If your going to take and use my hairbrush without asking, at least put it back so that I can use my hairbrush.
12.) If you are going to take my clothes without asking, PUT THEM BACK!
13.) Same goes with my tennis shoes.
14.) If you are going to lend my shoes out to your friends without asking, please, is it too much to ask that you PUT THEM BACK?
15.) If you ask me what I'm doing, and I say studying, then don't flop down and start talking to me and then act insulted when I don't listen. ( I'm sick of spending hours in the library just to get away from you long enough to study)
16.) STOP sleeping in my bed while i'm at my classes. It's creepy. And you had better not be sleeping in your underwear. (My bed was one of the few places growing up that was completely my space.)
17.) Maybe knock before coming into our room?
18.) Maybe leave our room every couple of hours or so, hang out in your room or something?
19.) Again, If you take stuff from our room, without asking, then at least, PUT IT BACK!
20.) DO NOT LOCK ME OUT OF MY OWN ROOM! I shouldn't have to knock and ask to be let into my room, and if you tell me to wait a few minutes to be let in one more time I'll scream.

AARRRRGGGH!!!! I am really trying to be patient, but this is driving me crazy. She's so nice too, why can't she be a little more respectful of everyone else?

It Is You

2005-11-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

It Is You
Dana Glover

There is something that I see
In the way you look at me
There's a smile, there's a truth in your eyes

But an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it mean this is where I belong

It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along

There were times I ran to hide
Afraid to show the other side
Alone in the night without you

But now I know just who you are
And I know you hold my heart
Finally this is where I belong

It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along

Over and over
I'm filled with emotion
Your love, it rushes through my veins

And I am filled
With the sweetest devotion
As I, I look into your perfect face

It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved
It is you I have loved
It is you I have loved all along

It's been a rough week so far, but God always provides. He has blessed me with some phenomenal presences in my life. A few inparticular who are invaluable to me. I've hit sort of a transitional period in my life this year. And I've been very uncomfortable with it, but God keeps showing me daily how he is taking care of me, how he will continue to do so. I'm very blessed.

Chess

2005-10-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

I had a really good day yesterday. And then I went and messed it up somehow. I think too much sometimes. I have this habit of always looking so many moves ahead like a massive chess game only did I mention I suck at chess? I don't do much better in life a lot of the time.
My school made all of its seventh graders participate in the "All-Star program". It's this drug prevention class, and there was this six week segment on decision making. Somebody should write them and let them know their class leaves much to be desired. Every thing was so cut and dried with them. Should I do drugs? hmmm... no, Yea! for me! I go to college, am a responsible adult and I don't die or fry my brain. Tough decision there. But decisions aren't that simple. And its so easy to neglect them with out realizing it. Everything happens so gradually you don't even realize it. And what about when the decision is not something you really want? Something that doesn't really hurt you, but you can't be too sure, can you? What ever happened to "peanut butter and jelly or tunafish?"

Refreshed

2005-10-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

O.K. perhaps many of you have noticed the tenor o my blog lately. I've been tired. I've felt weak. And most of all I've been lonely. I have so many amazing friends but I've been lonely. I have had so many struggles in my heart and no one to talk to. And no one to talk to about God. I go to a christian school and I don't feel comfortable discussing God with alot of people and the ones I might, are too busy.
Until tonight, I met the most amazing person, and I realized that a nap was not what I needed today. This person whom I have only met once who I knew little more then his name set aside an hour and a half and would have set aside longer if I hadn't had a meeting to go to, to talk to me about anything, but mostly about Christ. And he was a stranger to me. He didn't keep checking his watch, or glancing around, or getting distracted. He actually cared about what I had to say and he was willing to open up himself and I hadn't realized how much I've missed that. I had forgotten how loved you can feel if a person is just willing to bless you with their time. I didn't even have to talk much. I sat and listened alot and I've missed that, just hearing about someone's life, which I'd love to do more but everyone seems to busy for even that. I left feeling valuable for the first time in a while. I left feeling refreshed and encouraged, and it was only an hour and a half. God always seems to bring me what I need. God refreshes.

Through A Glass Darkly

2005-10-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

"For now we see in a mirror dimly,

but then face to face.

Now I know in part;

then I shall know fully,

even as I have been fully known.

So faith, hope, and love abide,

these three;

but the greatest of these is love."

- 1 Cor 13:12-13

I nearly missed my campaign meeting tonight. Luckily my roomie called me and woke me up because I really needed to hear the devo. This verse has always been somewhat of an enigma to me, but I am beginning to understand it I think. I have been dreading that meeting all day. Chris and I haven't spoken for a week, when I see him I make a point to pretend he's not there, I don't want to be friends. But then, I hate my behavoir and it feels so childish, and I can't very well keep it up for our six week campaign trip this summer. It would be detrimental to our work there. Still I kept harboring this small hope he might have decided not to go. It was all I could do to keep from praying for it. But no, when I got to the meeting he was there. And while we pretended to not know each other I kept thinking about the other night when he was yelling at me and he said," I should just drop out of christian home, and the mission team and hey why not school, would that make things easier for you? Is that what you want?" And as I sat there I felt like beating my head against the table for not screaming ,"yes! That's how it was supposed to be anyway! It would be easier!Please! I'll even pay for your gas to get back home!" but instead I just sat on the other end of the phone while he continued ranting. But I know why I didn't say yes. Despite how much easier it would be for me, he needs this school, he needs christian home, and he needs this mission trip. God is so powerful and I know he has plans for him. And despite how much I struggle with feelings of loathing for him, I do truly want whats best for him.

But at the end of the day as I review this present situation; It sucks. I don't know what GOd has up his sleeve for me this summer. I do sometimes wonder if he finds amusement in these situations. I tend to find myself in a lot of uncomfortable ironic situations and I just wonder what he is thinking at that moment. I saw this campaign as a wonderful way to grow. I still do. But six weeks in a foreign country with Chris is torture, and as petty and spoilt as it is and sounds, it's not the way I want to grow. This past summer sucked alot because of my run ins with Chris, but at least then I never had to see him face to face. Six weeks is a long time. So... I don't know what God's plan in, usually I can accept that pretty easily. This time I'm actually terrified of finding out, because I have a sneaking suspicion that it will force me into cooperation with Chris. Or worse still, maybe it won't be revealed to me while I'm in New Zealand, maybe I will struggle with how I should act and behave the entire time and have to wait for years until I can see how God's plan worked. So i'm looking through a mirror dimly, I'm unsure of looking face to face at this. But ultimately what I can be sure about is that of the three virtues listed, love is the greatest, and I am commanded to love, and to love everyone. I never thought that would be difficult for me. Anyway, I called Chris and apologized for yelling at him the other night and for how everything ultimatly turned out. It went well. It's not much but it's a start.

GUYS ARE PIGS!!

2005-10-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that about sums it up. I'm done! I've been looking for an answer and now I have it and I'm done! In my entire life I have never met someone who infuriates me so much as him! HE SITS THERE AND TREATS ME LIKE CRAP FOR PROMISING I'D NEVER DATE HIM AGAIN, HE TELLS ME HE'D DROP ANYTHING AND ANYONE FOR ANOTHER CHANCE, AND THE WHOLE TIME, THE WHOLE FREAKIN TIME, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! THAT...JERK! Don't misunderstand me, I am not hurt that he is with someone, though I do pity her because she's a sweet girl and can't even imagine what she just got herself into what pisses me off is how CHEAPLY he treats girls. ARRRGH I'M SO FRUSTRATED I COULD SCREAM. I'M DONE BEING OBJECTIFIED! I AM BEYOND DONE WITH HIM. HE CAN TAKE HIS LITTLE " WE SHOULD TAKE A FEW DAYS TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS" CRAP AND SHOVE IT! CAUSE IT'S NOT HAPPENING! GAHHH! I JUST DON'T GET IT! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW SOMEONE CAN BE THAT SELFISH? I MEAN DOES THE GUY HAVE A CONSCIENCE ANYWHERE?

How to Ruin a Relationship

2005-10-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

1.) Not seeing a girl for who and what she truly is. (We don't want to be on a pedastool and we don't want to be treated like trash, we want to be accepted and acknowledged for who we are.)

2.) Expecting a girl to complete you. (A girl will not complete you; only God will, to ask her to be God is asking too much. Also a girl is not responsible for your happiness; you are.)

3.) Faking it. ( Don't pretend to be a christian or go to church or be a nice guy if your not, We will figure it out at somepoint and by then you won't have a chance.)

4.) Making her life yours. (Be a part of it yes, but it is not your life and while we appreciate your active participation in it, we want you to have your own life too. Don't "sacrifice" your dreams for ours, ours probably didn't include you when we made them anyway. Be your own person, not our fan club.)

5.) Pressuring a girl into commitment. (Why do you want to have to convince a girl to marry you, wouldn't you rather have her want to? If she's isn't ready to commit then do youself a favor and either learn to be patient or let the relationship go, she'll only resent you for pressuring her into more anyway.)

6.) Being disrespectful. (This includes everybody, our family, our friends, even strangers. Don't talk badly about our families, don't treat our friends harshly, don't yell, curse or lay a hand on us. We will hurt you! haha, j/k, kinda)

7.) Ignore her.( yeah go ahead, pretend we don't exist and we'll make it happen for you.)

8.) Don't trust her. (Allow us to have friends of the opposite sex, if we are dating you then obviously we aren't looking for anyone else. Also believe how much we care about you. There is very little more discouraging than continuously having to convince someone you want to be with them)

9.) Don't listen to her. (This doesn't mean you have to agree with everything we say, but you can still respect our opinions and considr them fairly.)

10.) Be dishonest. (You want to kill a relationship quick? Lie to us and even better drag our friends into lying to us for you. Don't decieve us and have somefaith that we might just be understanding.)

I know that this is directed at things a guy does wrong in a relationship and I'm sorry that its so one-sided but I'm writing from what I know; a girls perspective.

Girls Night!

2005-10-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yea! Midterms are over! My tetnus shot is over! The boys who have been bothering me are gone! (At least for the weekend) And its been a girls weekend!
I was so stressed this week. I've felt like a zombie. My last midterm was half of my term project and I only had two days to do it and I was so stressed. It was due at 5 on friday and I finished it at 4:50. So my roomie and I, (Have I mentioned that I have the most amazing room-mate ever? well I do) we went to every computer lab on campus and all of them were closed or were not compatable with floppy discs. So I couldn't print the second half of my term paper. By 5:15 my roomie ran accross campus to her brothers house while I ran to the bible building to see if the Professor was still there. He was but I only had half my paper and I was so stressed at having only had four days notice that I was to complete half my term project for my midterm, and so frustrated at having spent all day quite literally in the library only to have to turn the thing in late that I handed Dr. Alexander the half I did have and then burst into tears. It was so humiliating, and his eyes got really big. I don't think he's one of those guys who handles tears well. He asked if I'd like to sit down and if I was ok and I just started crying harder and tried to explain everything but it all came out in a rush. Have I mentioned that I'm not a graceful crier? Some girls can look so pretty when they cry, I'm not one of them. My face gets all blotchy and my nose runs and turns red. Anyway, its not a pretty sight. Dr. Alexander commented that I must've really been pushing the deadline and I just started crying harder. He looked really uncomfortable about that and told me to just get the paper to him whenever and he wouldn't dock me any points and that everything was going to be o.k. Candy brought me the rest of me paper a few minutes later and I gave it to him and he must've still been pretty uncomfortable about me crying because he said he really appreciated my hard work and looked forward to reading my paper.
We had girls night lastnight and tonight. We made s'mores and watched movies and generally just goofed off. I spelt until 12:40 today and it was so nice. I really needed it. For the first time in my life I actually have a lot of girls as friends and I'm really enjoying it. Candy and i are planning a spring break trip with some of our girl friends. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all my guy friends, but its nice to hang out just with the girls and contrary to popular belief, we do not talk about guys the whole time.

Through the Gates of Splendor

2005-10-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

We watched that tonight. Elizabeth Elliot has been one of my heroes growing up. I've read any book of hers I could get my hands on, because she was a missionary and especially because she was a woman. This is a documentary of her experiences in Ecuador where her husband and four of her friends husbands were killed by an Indian tribe. This tribe was notoriously dangerous and while the missionary men took guns, they said they would not use them even if they were attacked because they were ready for heaven but the indians were not. Due to a misunderstanding all five were speared to death. What amazes me about Elizabeth is that while her parents offered to have her come home and help raise the children, she refused because she had long before committed herself to God as a missionary. It would have been so easy to simply go home, no one would blame her. Hadn't she already sacrificed enough? And what about the children? But instead she stayed and more than that, a little while later she went to live among the same people who killed her husband. The tribe would not kill a woman for just entering their camp. She andanother woman lived among the people and helped convert them to Christ. The tribe used to murder all the time without a second thought. Everyone in the tribe had lost a relative to a spearing. The tribe killed anyone who caused a disturbance or made someone angry. After they were converted they stopped killing. Her faith floors me. How do you walk into a tribe that killed your husband? How can you take your children into that? But all of them loved eachother. They knew and loved the men who killed her husband. Her children were baptized by two men who helped lead the attack. The deaths of those five men brought so many people to God. I can't help but think that they would have wanted things to end that way. If She had known all that would happen before she left college would she still have gone? God used a woman to reach these people, their first preacher was a woman. (relax, I'm not condoning women leading, but when its all you have...) There is a place on the field for women. God can use even a woman for his purposes. Why do so many doubt that?
If you haven't seen this movie then you should definatly rent it. There are so many things in it that will make your head spin. I can barely imagine what it must've been like for Elizabeth the first time she visited the grave where her husband and firends were buried in the settlement; to meet her husbands murderers. But I think the part the pierced my heart the most was a parallel between the "savages" and americans. Because while I watched the indians talk about killing thats what I thought of them:savages. But then I saw the pictures of knifings, and one indians shock at colombine and bombings and I wanted to cry because I realized, thats what we are:savages. Thats us too. That's me. And in my ignorance I assume I am so much better than other peoples. That my way is right simply because it is mine. I am shallow and selfish and apathetic and every bit as undeserving of God's grace as the natives Elliot administered to if not more so. And I feel crushed because I recognized myself, and I hate what I see. And i'm so thankful for God's salvation and the love he brings to us. Really you should see the movie.

Ever Feel Like Your Body's Out to Get You?

2005-10-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Cause min'es giving me a run for the money. I hate midterms week. I used to be so good at tests, I think I've developed test anxiety. Actually it may just be lack of sleep. I haven't slept well the past 3 or 4 nights. I just can't seem to fall asleep and stay that way. I went to bed at 2 last night and fell asleep at three. I had some pretty gory dreams. I hate blood. I really do and I finally woke up at 4 in a cold sweat from really bad stomach pains. I got up and threw up blood. go figure. I tried to go back to bed but my stomach didn't stop hurting till about 30 till 8. I couldn't fall back asleep. So the alarm goes off and the second I sit up my nose starts bleeding. So I go and take care of that. I take out my retainer and my teeth start bleeding, so I have to take care of that. By the time my body has decided to give it a rest I just crawl back in bed and skip chapel. I woke up at 11 and go to the student center to study for my greek midterm with a friend. I was late going to bed last night because my ex was being a complete jerk. I'm done with him. I haven't wanted to hit some one so badly in years. Anyway I haven't had the sunniest outlook on most guys today. While I'm waiting for my friend to show up I hear a guy at the table next to me say" Whoa! Check out her butt!" about some girl walking by and then he starts to make fun of her. I can't even imagine how livid my face must have looked but I just turned and stared at him. The guy shuts up immediatly and apologizes very quickly to me and his guy friends and says he shouldn't have been so rude. I hadn't even realized I'd been glaring. He and his friends got up and left after that. If I'd known that that was all it would take to make the 8 of them leave I might've tried it sooner. They were really noisy.
So I went to my greek midterm early. I laid my head on the table because I was really tired by this point and the guy sitting next to me keeps shaking my shoulder and chanting wake up Kacey! we have a greek midtem in ten minutes! (Thankyou Captian Obvious! What would I do without you to remind me why I'm sitting in this freakin room?) I really wasn't in a touchy feely sort of mood. He must've noticed I wasn't entirely enthusiastic about his antics cause he said"bet you're sorry you decided to sit by me now huh?" It took about every ounce of energy I had left to hold back what went through my mind right then. Anyway I did very very badly on my midterm. I'm not sure why. I knew all the info. I just went blank when he put the test in front of me. I was nearly in tears after the test, so I didn't stay long to talk to my friends about it. I went to a bridge here on campus for a while and felt at least a bit more peaceful.
I'm really tired but I don't want to go to sleep. I would like to go to the library and type my 6 page paper thats due tomorrow, but we are keeping some girls here this weekend and one of them is sick and needs to be watched so I'll have to wait. Oh and a quick sidenote before I go, Dad, if you get an email from Chris, do not reply to it. I am handling this situation. As far as Chris goes, he is just one big bad dream, and I;m awake now, so there is no sense in dwelling on it. If everyone just ignores him, including me, I think things will get a lot better. Or keying that stupid blue pick-up of his that he's so in love with; that might make me feel better. j/k, ...

Law of Equalities

2005-10-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

Thats what I should be studying right now for my statistics midterm but let me give you an application for it. My day in a nut-shell:a very good bad day.

Good:
1.) Found out my Stats midterm was not today
2.) B.S.ed my way through my christian home midterm
3.) Did my greek home work instead of studying for my Church Planting midterm
4.) BSed my way thru church planting midterm
5.) Got to eat with Nikki and Nicole and a bunch of other peoples
6.) Was promised some money for my mission trip
7.) Got a chance to sit in the park and really talk with my roomie
8.) Cleared up some problems with my Ex

Bad:
1.) Overslept and missed my 8 o clock
2.) Used the extra time from skipping stats to eat a slice of half cooked pizza and got sick
3.) Remembered I had greek homework due today
4.) Found out I need a tetnus shot
5.) Found out that the nurses office gives free tetnus shots
6.) Haven't had a chance to study for my greek midterm tommorow
7.) EX BOYFRIEND JOINED MY MISSION TEAM (need I comment?)
8.) Had to take a really long detour to my dorm because I was intercepted by a skunk. I hate this state

So what kind of day is this exactly? I did get Blue LIke Jazz today, i've been waiting for that book forever. *sigh* too tired to think anymore

Tri-Kappa

2005-10-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

In an earlier post I mentioned briefly my frustrations with my social club, Tri-Kappa. Yeah laugh it up. I've already heard all the KKK jokes. We aren't like that, though I did hear we used to make our pledges dress in solid white during pledge week so maybe we were at one time? I hope not. I'm not really a social club sort of girl. I like the social aspect somewhat and I have been trying to gain more girls as friends this year and it helps with that, but really for the most part I feel like I'm paying my club to depress me.
I never pledged, and I wish I had now because I think it instills a greater sense of unity and loyalty in the club, but the club was dying so they opened it up to anyone who would join last semester. Me and two other of my friends joined. We were really excited and had all these plans for encouraging growth and being active in the club. We should have been more suspicious when we all immediately received officer positions. What we didn't realize was how discouraged the club already was, no one is excited, and no one wants to work, and there is a horrible imbalance of power. No one wants to do service projects, or perform their duties as an officer, which the higher powers in our club quickly take on so as to retain more power and then whine and moan about all they have to do. They are good however at giving out grunt work to the lower officers. So we feel frustrated and discouraged and overworked. Having grown up a preachers kid I saw a lot of church politics growing up and I realty hated it, club politics work the same way.
So my friends and I started planning again. It's been one big battle between us and the senior members of our club who don't consider any of the rest of the club as actual sisters, just pledges they can run into the ground. Every idea we seem to come up with they shoot down almost immediately. I've tried sending out notes of encouragement to other club members but I really didn't feel like they did any good. A social club shouldn't be like this. Anyway, bottom line, up until last night I felt like quitting or praying for the club to die already so I can jump to a new one.
Last night though was our first good meeting in a long while. I saw 7 or 8 of us "lower level" club members start volunteering to help and actually fulfilling the duties that came with our office and I was greatly encouraged. The seniors will graduate and we will be the ones who have to keep the club going and so eventually there will be room for growth. We voted for homecoming rep. Last night. They made the four of us nominees leave the room while they voted. Our treasurer, ex-activities director, service project director, and I were nominated. I was the only officer who wasn't self-nominated. Our treasurer was supposed to be it last year but she got tricked out of it my another club member who wanted it and is still very bitter about it. Personally, I don't really care for the whole thing. Logically it seems a very ridiculous position because all you do is go before the student body in a formal during chapel (which for those of you who know me, know would not be an enjoyable event for me, I hate getting in front on an audience and especially in a dress), then going before the student body again at the Homecoming game in a business suit (of which I do not posses, and again, large crowds and a skirt) (this is more up Kara's alley, she can pull something like this off, I can't) Plus, Tri-Kappa's rep won't win, we have a bad reputation and are a running joke around school here because of our name. Well we went back into the room and our treasurer won, she's who I would have voted for. She's been in the club for four years and is very dedicated. It was nice to have been nominated. But I was glad not to have had to go through all that mess. I asked Rach and Nicole not to vote for me and they said they didn't, but Rach just called and told me that I actually did win the position last night, but our president called for a revote and told the club since its the treasurers last year they should vote for her, so they were only half lying when they said they didn't vote for me. Its nice to know that your liked though. Now I'd feel like crap if I quit or jumped. Maybe I'll stick things out, it seemed like people were trying last night. I hate quitting anyway. Goodness, if My friend Tasha could see me now, wearing pink and joining social clubs...I'm so ashamed. LOL

Happy Columbus Day!

2005-10-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm in the library and I'm supposed to be writing campaign letters but I don't know what to write. They say raising money for a mission trip is the easiest part but I don't think i agree. It takes alot of faith to trust that you will get the funds. I don't doubt God's ability, just people's. I am going to the south island of New Zealand this summer for six weeks. We will be working with an area called Christstown. I am really excited. I have to raise 2800 dollars and get a new passport and possibly shots. I really hope I don't have to get shots. I have to have 1000 dollars by december 1 I think and the rest by March. Anyway, dad, feel free to give me a call if you have any tips on how to write these letters. I have to get 100 out before thanksgiving.
It's midterms week! everyone is really stressed right now and the library is packed. Despite all this I have actually had a great day. Which is odd considering I cried for a bit last night. I have been praying for a change that I knew had to happen at some point, but maybe I wasn't too sure I wanted to deal with, if that makes any sense. One of those decisions you know is for the best but that doesn't make change any less scary. Well anyway God answered it for me last night. It took me from one situation where I wasn't quite sure where I stood with a person to knowing where I stand but not knowing what will happen. I hate not knowing. But I can deal with the second situation better than the first. There is no more confusion and possibly a better propensity for growth. So I'm happy. I've had a very blessed day. Its been one of those days where nothing seems to get to me. I passed a girl on the sidewalk today and even though she seemingly hates me I smiled at her anyway. Of course she didn't smile back, looked disdainful in fact, but she also looked a bit disconcerted and that seemed really funny to me, and for some reason it didn't bother me at all. Who knows? I have two more years here, surely at some point she'll feel ridiculous or acting like that when I'm making an effort. I really am very blessed.
hmm... They are closing the library in 15 minutes. Hey guess what wheezers? my friends and I have been practicing for the football game and I think we're doing pretty good. Candy wants to make t-shirts and wear face paint. I'm proud of her new-found dedication to the team thats bound to win this year. Gabe is excited too but he refuses to let Candy and I shout "go team" after a huddle. He says footballers don't do that but i'm inclined to believe he's making that up. He's a soccer player not a football player. Geezers beware! (sidenote: has anyone noticed the lack of loyalty on the women geezers part? I have yet to see them play for years now. What's up with that?)
My current soap box: Guys being territorial. I don't really consider myself a feminist. I mean compared to Kara I'm not so bad. But lately my ex has taken to calling me "baby" around guys he thinks are hitting on me. Personally, I don't care if it turns the other guys off, I don't want to date right now and if he is willing to get rid of them for me, more power to him! However, I strongly object to his being so informal with me. i am not his girlfriend. I am not dating him. he has no right to "lay a claim" on me like that. ARrrghh Library's closing. I guess i'll think of a way to fix this some other time. No dad, pepper spray is not an option

Deferred Dreams

2005-10-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

My last segment in AP English was our poetry segment. Our teacher focused most of our works on "Who am I?" things and "Dreams". It was actually my favorite part of the two years I spent in her class. (No I didn't fail, its just 2-a schools can't afford for a teacher only to teach one class. I had her for three) There were 16 kids in that class and we all got pretty close because you had to share all of your work with your classmates. I'm glad we had the Who Am I segment before we left for college. It didn't necessarily answer that question for us but it did teach us a lot about ourselves. I'd gone to school with all of those kids since kindergarten and it wasn't until that segment that I really got an in depth view of some of them. Everyone in that class showed up for John Hicks funeral.
Anyway, recently I've been thinking a lot on domestic missions and what I would do if I decide to stay stateside. I've always had this dream in the back of my head that I never gave much consideration because wanting to do missions always came first. But I now may have the opportunity to do both and I'm getting a bit excited. I don't know that I've ever really told anyone but maybe Tasha and Kara about it just because it seemed, I don't know, silly maybe? Usually I just disregard it and stuff it in the back of my mind. But I've been looking for schools for it today. It may be a bit harder than I realized. The school in the location I was looking at won't send me information because "they aren't accepting from my location at this time". What does that mean? There isn't one school for it in Arkansas. There are three in Texas, but one of my goals in high school was getting out of Texas and not going to school there if I could help it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have grown up in Texas but there are times, (ex: talking with some of my guy friends in high school after 911, all of them were going out and enlisting, and saying comments like,"I'm going to go kill me some Iraqis!" or "What is the United Nations?" and I just wanted to smack them) (don't even get me started on the Iraqi bit, does anyone remember who actually drove those plains into the towers?!!!!) well anyway, there are times I'd like to leave oz for a while and broaden my horizons a little. So that's where I am. But I plan to keep after this school want to keep my options open. No, I'm probably not going to tell you what it is, but feel free to guess, I might say yes if you get it right.
You all have probably noticed my family's die hard Bush/Republican loyalty. While I uphold some republican beliefs, I probably lean more towards the democratic side. Which might explain some of my frustration in high school. I think tasha and I were the only two democrats there. ( I'm actually more middle of the road but in my town you're either with Bush completely or you're a democrat)

Invisible

2005-10-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

So...I cut my hair off yesterday. 14 inches of it. 12 to locks of love. 2 to even it out and style it. I've never had hair this short before. It's at my chin. I actually felt like crying while the stylist chopped off my pony tail. Lucas and Candy came with me and read Harry Potter to me and did the voices and everything to cheer me up. Candy chose a new hair style for me. So here I am. As of so far only 5 of my friends have recognized me. Two of them are Lucas and Candy. Everyone else walks right by me, even if I say hi. and the ones who hear me turn around and spend like thirty seconds looking for said thier name while I'm standing right in front of them the whole time. Everyone says they like it but I think its a bit too drastic. Anthony and Jeremy, two friends of mine that I've known my entire life looked directly at me and still didnt recognize me. they just kept walking and they always say hi if they see me. My ex boyfriend of 7 months talked for 5 minutes with some of his friends looked at me 7 times and then finally stopped and squinted and decided it was me. So now I'm hiding in my room because people either dont see me at all or make a big deal out of it when they do. I actually really appreciated it when my friend Mary saw me didnt look shocked or mention it all. I didn't feel so much like a freak show. I can't wait till things start to get normal again.